Monday, May 3, 2010


I don't like that word. I don't like that state. I don't like using it to describe me. But it does. Describe me that is.

That may seem strange for me to say since I do, in fact, have two children. Who were carried in my body until they entered this world. But I am still infertile. It took a doctor to get me pregnant both times. (funny sidenote: Brent and I both love to say "the doctor got me/her pregnant" then watch the person's face. Especially if it is someone who doesn't know that we did IVF. The shock value gives us priceless looks. Sometimes it even works momentarilty on people who DO know about the IVF, then they smile once they realize what we are talking about.)

Anyway, back to the infertility. Brent and I cannot agree, at least right now, on whether or not we should habe another baby. I say yes. Brent says no. But we have 5 tiny babies, frozen, waiting for us to come to an agreement about whether we will try again or whether we will give them to another couple to raise. If we didn't have them, it would be an easy answer. No, we would not deal with another treatment cycle. It is too much and the decisions are too hard. I would be sad that we would not have more children, but it would still not be a hard decision to make.

There will only be another baby if we both agree to it and plan for it. There will be no "Surprise! I'm pregnant" coming from me. There is no chance of birth control failing and giving us a surprise blessing - in fact, we decided long ago that we would not use any birth control.

After all, almost 6 years of actively trying didn't work. And now we know that the problem is. And it isn't something that will go away. So why subject me to the hormones and the lovely moods I tend to get into when I am on birth control? Answer...we shouldn't. And we don't.

My doctor is horrified by this reasoning, but we just tell him that if God decides that we need another baby and overcomes the barrier of my infertility, then birth control wouldn't stop Him either. We would KNOW without a doubt that baby was meant to be for us and we would have no reservations.

And Brent is 100% certain that it will not happen anayway. But I am still hoping. I still want one more baby. My family doesn't feel complete yet. And there are those 5 babies. Just sitting and waiting...

Infertility stinks.