Choices, Choices

Our new house is coming along very nicely and quickly, too. There is currently brick sitting in the yard, and the rock will also be there in a few days. The sheetrock is up, and I believe there is texture on the walls. The cabinets are set to go in the beginning of next week, and we should be done 30-45 days after that.

So now we are in the make TONS of decisions stage. I never thought about how many things there are to choose when building a house, AFTER choosing a floor plan, that is. Shingles, brick, rock, exterior paint, windows, doors, door knobs, cabinets, countertops...both bathroom and kitchen, floor tile, backsplash tile, the rest of the flooring, light fixtures, plumbing fixtures, appliances, interior paint, and I don't think I have even come close to naming it all!

Yesterday, the kids and I drove to Belton to look at granite for the kitchen countertops and brought home four samples to look at with Brent, hoping that he would like at least one of them. Before starting this housebuilding process, I had no idea how very different our taste tends to be. For example, when we started talking about appliances, he asked if I wanted stainless or black. I said "NOT black, either white or stainless." He waited a while and then said, do you REALLY want white appliances?" I told him I hadn't decided for sure, but maybe. I asked if he didn't like that and he said that he thinks that white appliances look cheap. So we went with the middle ground.

I am learning all about how to make decisions together peacefully with Brent, how to not get my way all the time, how to compromise. Hopefully we will continue to use these newly refined skills with one another in other areas of our life.Some of the samples we are currently looking at for bathroom counters, kitchen counter and flooring. (Since taking this picture, we have chosen the granite for the kitchen and the marble for the bathroom. Our granite is the largest piece, on the far right of the picture, called ornamental brown. The picture doesn't come close to doing it justice. And the marble is the very top piece in the picture. This picture makes it look yellowish, but it isn't at all.Jacob is fascinated by all the samples we bring home. Apparently he wants to help in the decision making process.

Stinky Market

Ugh. What a horrible time for us to be trying to sell our house. The housing market in our old area is great...if you are a buyer. For a seller, it is just plain awful. We have had one single person look at our house in the 45 days it has been on the market.

Our realtor sent Brent an email about what other houses have been doing in the area, and let me tell you, the high number of foreclosures has REALLY hurt us. The only houses that have sold recently have sold for about 25-30K less than what we paid for ours. Yes, they were foreclosures and were mostly in terrible shape. But it doesn't matter, they were about the same size as our house, in the same area. Definitely not good.

We were hoping that the house would sell quickly and we could move on with finding our own place in our new town. It doesn't look like that will be happening anytime soon. We may even have to consider leasing the house out rather than selling it...because we definitely can't take the kind of hit that we would if we sold the house for less than what we paid.

Ugh.

We know that God has been taking care of us...He has proven that through so many things that have happened in the last several years. We trust that he will take care of us through this, as well. I'm just not so great at waiting. But I am praying and hopefully that will help me get better at waiting.

New Friends

We are starting to get settled in our new town, and the kids and I have started venturing out a couple times a week rather than just staying at home all the time. No, we aren't finished getting everything settled in our temporary home, but for my sanity, I need people.
At church, we found out that the minister and his wife have a daughter who is about 6 months younger than Samantha and a son who is 6 months (exactly...to the day) younger than Jacob. At the swimming pool we met a lady with twins who are a month younger than Samantha. And she told us that they were having a playgroup after storytime at the library. So we invited our new friends from church. The other lady wasn't there, so we just went to the park together after storytime...and we all had a good time. Everyone at the church is very welcoming, and we have been invited to several things. I am so glad to be so welcomed.



We have gone to the pool several times, partly to have fun, and partly to meet new people. And sometimes we do get to meet new people, but sometimes, there are no other adults there. The pool will only be open through next Friday, so I will have to find a new place to go to meet people...and start making our new town feel more like home.

In the meantime, I am very grateful for the new friends we have made.

Good Friends

We have been overwhelmed with all the things we need to do to get our house ready to sell and to move. And then we added 6 doctor appointments during my last week here. And then we added surgery for me this past Wednesday...and getting ready for our move has been even more overwhelming.

And then yesterday, our friends James and Tammy, called and asked if we wanted them to come help paint. What an incredible gift for them to give us. They came at lunchtime, brought lunch, and are still here working and playing with the kids. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends in our life!

Thank you, James and Tammy for your servant hearts!
And here's what the kids were up to while James, Tammy and Brent were all working.

Friday Update

I realize my blogging has been lacking this week and I apologize. It will probably remain a little on the slow side for another week or so. Should you need to hear my excuses, here they are.

First, we (mostly) moved to the country last weekend and our computer is still at our old house. It will be going with us this weekend. However, we don't have internet in the country yet, so to post anything, I will still have to go to another family member's house to use their computer/internet.

Secondly, we came back to the city on Tuesday evening for me to have surgery on Wednesday. There was a lump in my lower abdomen, and my doctor was pretty sure it was an endometrioma, or possibly a hernia. He said that we really did need to take care of it before I moved completely, so less than a week after I met this doctor, he performed surgery on me.

It was scheduled to be a day surgery. Just in and out, no problems anticipated. What we expected to be golfball sized turned out to be as big as my doctor's fist and he now believes that it is a desmoid tumor...a benign tumor that has a high incidence of recurrence. And apparently it is very fast growing because this was only a hard spot whenI first noticed it and asked my OB/GYN about it 4 months ago. We should have the pathology reports on Wednesday at my post op appointment.

Because things are never simple with me, I got to be admitted for an overnight stay at the hospital rather than coming home on Wednesday evening. It wasn't a big deal, just that I wasn't coming out of the effects of anesthesia fast enough. I was released in the late afternoon on Thursday and I was very happy to be home with my family.

The next week and a half or so will be crazy busy with going back and forth between the new house and the old house and getting several more doctor's appointments squeezed in for me and the kids. So even if we do get our internet up and running, I still expect that I won't be posting a whole lot for the next week or two. I will post when I can, I just don't anticipate it being frequent.

Don't worry, though, I will still take pictures of my adorable kids and will write down the fun things that happen so that I can share everything with you once things are going a little more in the normal direction.

Before I leave you, though, I want to share something about Samantha from while I was in the hospital.

When I didn't get to come home on Wednesday evening, or even Thursday morning, Brent explained to her that I was still at the hospital because I was sick and the doctor was helping me to get better. She seemed to accept this quite well, and didn't get upset. But then she told Brent "My leg hurt. Need go hospital." Aawww...what a cutie and so smart, too :)

Back From the Country for Surgery

We arrived back at our old home last night. Brent is here for the day, but the kids and I are here until Sunday. I have my sugery this afternoon, and I have to admit, I am a little nervous.

Brent says I shouldn't be, but I just can't seem to help it. The surgery is supposed to be a simple 45 minute procedure. But I am not exactly known for having anything simple when we are talking medical stuff. The surgery will be at 1:30 this afternoon. Will you please pray for it to be simple, for there to be no suprises and for the recovery to be fairly easy...after all I do have two wee kiddos to be taking care of.

Now, about the country life. Samantha was so excited when we pulled up to our new house on Sunday afternoon. She saw her swing and slide (Thank you, Memaw for taking them and getting them set up before we got there!) and she immediatley recognized them and was excited about them. And she was also happy to see her toybox in her room and her flower sheets on the bed at bedtime. Once again...thank you, Memaw! These things helped her feel right at home as soon as we got there.

Just a few hours into living in our new home, we had the dubious privilege of teaching Samantha what a scorpion is and that she must NOT touch them. And I figured that while we are at it, we would talk about snakes, too. I told her that if she ever sees a snake, she must go away from it and yell for me. She said OK.

On Monday morning, just before we went outside, I asked her what to do if she sees a snake. She replied "Go away, pees." Hmm...while we are teaching her to be polite, even when she asks someone (or something...ie the dog) to go away, I don't think that a poisonous snake deserves that consideration. And since there is no way to teach a 2 year old what is poisonous and what is not, we are just going with the "all snakes are dangerous" approach.

So after her very polite answer, I reminded her that she should not talk to the snake, but just run away and yell for Mommy od Daddy. She said OK. We'll see if she remembers. On the bright side, when we saw another scorpion at Aunt Ginger's house on Monday, she backed up right away without anyone having to tell her to. Woohoo! We will, however, keep the reminders coming.

And just for good measure, I think that we will add spiders to the dangerous category. I know that the odds of any spider she sees being a brown recluse or black widow are pretty slim...but I really don't want to take any chances.

Now for the good things about living in the country...

Samantha is LOVING how much time we can spend outside. She thinks that rocks and leaves and dirt are the best toys ever. And when she wants a taste of civilization, she has a sandbox and her swing and slide. But those don't last long with the allure of rocks, dirt and leaves. :)

We are also able to look out our window in the living rom or the kitchen and see the resident wildlife. We have seen "Daddy deer and baby deer and weally weally 'ig 'abbits!" at various times during the day. We can see hear birds singing, crickets chirping and cicadias serenading us each evening. We can see about a million stars at night. And there are no sirens or car alarms going off that wake our child up and/or scare her.

We still have quite a bit of adjusting to do, especially while we are in this transition of travelling back and forth each weekend to get the house ready to sell, but once we are more settled, I think things will be absoluetly great!

Missing Daddy

Samantha has really started struggling with missing her Daddy lately. 2 weeks ago, she refused to say bye to him or even acknowledge that he was leaving. Apparantly she thought that if she didn't say bye, he wouldn't be leaving.

This past Sunday, everything was fine when he left. She gave him hugs and kisses and told him bye-bye.

But at 4:30 on Monday morning, she woke up crying. I went in to comfort her and she cried harder. I wasn't completely sure she was awake, so I spoke to her and told her that I couldn't understand what she was saying and asked what she needed. She sobbed, "I need my Daddy!" I told her that Daddy is at work and it will be a few more days before he is back home. She said "Go away Mommy!" I said OK, I will go back to my room and she sobbed "No!!"

So I stayed with her. She started getting close to hysterical and was screaming...I'm sure her thoat was hurting before it was all said and done. Then, in addition to just screaming wordlessly, she started screaming "Mommy go bye-bye!" then sobbed and said it all over again. And again and again and again.

I'm not sure if she was afraid that I was going to go bye-bye, or if she was telling me to go, thinking that if I went bye-bye, she would have Daddy back. Either way, it broke my heart. I kept holding her and told her over and over and over. Mommy is not going bye-bye. I am staying right here with you. I am taking care of you. I am not going bye-bye.

She finally exhausted herself so much that she fell asleep with little shuddering breaths. And then all was calm. I am so glad that her Daddy will be home with us tonight and we will not have to say good-bye again for a good long while. And that when we do have to say good-bye again, it will not be very often. And definitely not for 6 weeks in a row.

Ready for a Change

I'm not sure I've said that in a REALLY long time. But it's true. I am SOOO ready for a change. I am tired of doing this single parent thing five days a week. It is hard. Those of you who have to do it all the time...I really do admire you for keping it up every day with no end in sight. Knowing that the end is coming is the only thing that has kept me able to keep going every day.

I am tired of hearing my daughter say that she needs her Daddy. When it is only Monday night and we won't see him until Friday night.

I am tired of going to bed by myself instead of having someone to talk to.

I am tired of packing...and packing...and packing some more.

I am so glad that today I will see my husband...and when he leaves on Sunday, we will be going with him. Hooray! I am ready!

Crazy Week

The last 7 (maybe 8) days have definitely been something else. Last Wednesday I called the pediatrician and asked to bring Jacob in. I didn't like the way his breathing sounded and he wasn't eating very much. I told the receptionist that Dr Ramirez would probably tell me that he is teething and has allergies, but that I wanted to bring him in just to be sure. They gave me an appointment for Thursday afternoon because they close at lunch on Wednesdays and it was almost lunchtime when I called.

On the way to the dr, Thursday afternoon, Jacob's breathing and coughing was so bad that I almost stopped at the hospital on the way. And he got 2 breathing treatments before we left the doctor's office. And we got 5 prescriptions. And a referral to the dermatologist. If you want more details, feel free to go read all about it here.

Friday was supposed to be my first day of not working but due to leaving early on Thursday and not getting everything done, I worked most of the day. My sweet boy still sounded horrible. But he did slowly get better.

The weekend was for packing, but we did take a break Saturday evening to go spend some time at the lake with our friends. Probably not the smartest decision given the fact that my son was still wheezing, but we did enjoy spending time with our friends.

Monday morning we had the appointment with the dermatologist. Monday afternoon I had my annual appointment with my OB/GYN. Now I have to backtrack. When I last saw him, it was for my 6 week postpartum check. A little more than 4 months ago. At that time, at the base and to one side of my scar, my abdomen was hard rather than soft like the other side. I asked the doctor about it and he felt it, then said that he thought it was just some scar tissue. It seemed logical to me, so I didn't worry about it at all.

It continued to grow. I still didn't worry about it. I figured it is just scar tissue growing. I do have a tendency for my scar tissue to grow all over the place. It became a large, hard lump that tends to be tender. Still not worried...it must just be scar tissue.

Awhile back I posted this, about my needs as stated by google. It was just in the name of fun...but perhaps was a bit prophetic. You see one of my needs stated that I need an operation. I laughed it off, it was all a joke.

But now, back to this week. Since I was in the doctor's office for my exam, I decided to ask him about the lump. I completely expected the same answer as before. But that's not what I got. Instead, I got a referral to a general surgeon. They made an appointment for me for Thursday (that would be today.)

Yesterday I had a different doctor appointment, completely unrelated, just taking care of stuff before we move.

This afternoon I had the appointment with the surgeon. He is fairly certain that I have an endometrioma. In spite of the fact that I have not previously had endometriosis. He said that with the timing I was describing and the hardness of the lump, he is almost completely certain this is what I have. Or it might be a hernia. But he doesn't think so. Either way I need to have surgery. Before my insurance ends at the end of the month. His office called me back just before 5pm and told me that I am scheduled for Wednesday. Yes, as in less than a week from now.

Tomorrow morning I have Jacob's 6 month well check and a check up for Samantha at the same time. Then I will drop them off at the babysitter, and take myself to the hospital to pre-register and get blood drawn.

On Sunday I will move with DH and the kiddos so that we will all be in the same town again. Hooray!

On Wednesday I will come back for surgery. DH is thinking that we will make the 2.5 hour trip back to our new home AFTER my surgery. Yes, on the same day. I am not so sure about that. So I will need to talk to the doctor's office tomorrow to see what they say about it. We will need to figure out what we are going to manage to do with the kiddos. I need to figure out what to do about pumping that day.

And in the midst of all of this, I need to finish packing and move! What a crazy week!

Packing {Wordless Wednesday}

The End...The Beginning

I started this on Friday, which was my last day in the office. I didn't get much written, though, so I am sharing it with you today...on my last official day of work.

I am unofficially done at my job. My keys and badge are turned in, and I have clocked out for the last time. My office is cleaned of my personal belongings. I will not be going there again unless it is to visit. Today is my last official day of my job...tomorrow I will no longer be a Denton County employee.

I was surprised that when I signed my separation form several weeks ago, I got a bit teary. And then when I drove back from Denton last week, after turning in my keys and my badge, I flat out cried for a third of the drive. And when I went around my buidling saying goodbye to my co-workers I was crying even more.

I've said before that I just don't do well with change. That is still true. Even changes that I am looking forward to. It takes me a while to adjust. And I will miss seeing all those people that I have been working with for the last nine years. That's a long time...about a fourth of my life, actually.

This is the end. The end of hearing horror stories about things that happen that we deal with. The end of having those horror stories to share. The end of forcing myself to keep going when I am overwhelmed and need a vacation. The end of saying over and over that I am here to try to make a difference. The end of having a potentially huge impact that I have had just by the nature of working with so many kids and families. This is the end.

But it is also the beginning. The beginning of being the main influence in my own children's lives. The beginning of being with them every day and being the guardian of what they are exposed to. The beginning of being their teacher every day. (No I'm not talking about homeschooling, they are only 2.5 and 6 months!) The beginning of being able to share all of their discoveries and triumphs just by the nature of spending so much time with them. The beginning of being a mom the way I have always wanted to. At home with my children. This is a new beginning.

Just a Little Longer

Two more weeks to be exact.

That is how long until we are living in the same place as Brent again.

One more time to say goodbye for the week.

Thank goodness it is only once more!

Samantha was VERY unhappy about Brent leaving yesterday. She cried and cried and refused to hug him or tell him bye-bye. She kept saying she didn't want to. She refused to wave as he drove away and continued crying as she told me "Don't want to Daddy work."

I told her that I understand, that I wish Daddy didn't have to leave, but that he has to go to work and we will see him again in a few days. I told her that in just two more weeks, we will live in a different house and that Daddy will be there every day after work. It took quite a while to get her calmed down, but with the help of my neighbor, she finally did get calm.

We can do this.

Just two more weeks.

It will not come too soon!

Taken Care of Through the Timing

Remember my post about perfect timing?

Well there's a bit to add to the story now.

You see, today Brent got a facebook message from one of his former co-workers. They just found out that corporate is closing their plant in 6 months.

Wow. We are amazingly, perfectly taken care of. Wow.

Brent was actually very worried about this possibility while I was pregnant with Jacob. And we had talked about that if they closed this plant, corporate might offer him a position in another plant. In Cincinnati. And even though we would not have liked to move there, he would have to accept that job. Because there was nothing else he could do.

We were prepared for that possibility of the plant closing. But it didn't happen. We were able to stay here and I was able to keep my doctor and have our son at the hospital I was planning on. Thank you, God.

And then Brent got his new job at a new company. And now the possibility we were prepared for has become a reality for the old company. But we were protected from that reality by the perfect timing. Thank you, God.

Even as I write this, I am thinking, though, that there are many others who are not in a good position now. Corporate may choose to offer to move some people to a different plant. But they will not even make offers to any of the hourly employees. I will be praying for them. That they will be able to find new jobs quickly. That they and their families will not go hungry. That they will not lose their homes. That they, too will be protected by God's perfect timing.

Won't you pray for them, too, please?

Needing

Yesterday was not a fun day...in fact I am still feeling a little bit of the after-affects this morning. I got sick yesterday. Really sick. With a stomach bug. I came home from work and spent pretty much the entire afternoon in the bathroom. And as it got closer and closer to 5pm, I started crying. A little bit because I was so sick of being sick, but even more because I was extremely worried about how I was going to manage to take care of my children for the evening if this kept up. How do you single moms do it? I am amazed by you. I didn't realize how tenuous a thread I was holding on by until now.

I called Brent crying, but knowing that he couldn't do anything. He is 2.5 hours away. He did tell me that I should go ask our neighbors for help. And I was so broken down by this point, that I didn't resist the idea at all. Samantha, Jacob and I all walked down the block, and as I almost started crying again, I asked Kathy to come help me with Samantha. She immediately said yes, she would be down to our house in just a few minutes.

So she came, and stayed for more than an hour and a half. She helped Samantha eat her dinner and get cleaned up. She held Jacob when he was crying and I had to run to the bathroom yet again. She paid attention to the water boiling on the stove to make bullion for me, so that I could have something more than water in my stomach. She got Samantha dressed in her jammies while I changed Jacob's diaper and she held Samantha and read stories to her while I was otherwise occupied again. Then before she left, she told me that if I need anything else, to be sure to call her, because that is why they are here.

Normally I feel humbled when I have to ask for help. Not so much yesterday. I just felt desperate...and grateful and relieved.

I wonder why we have to get to that point to ask for help? Are we so independent that we think we have to do everything ourselves? Or are we so arrogant that we think we are above receiving help, that getting help is for the weak? It is kind of humbling to think about. We are willing to give help, but not to receive it.

I tell my kids at work, almost daily, that they should ask for help. That it is actually a strength to be able to admit that you need help and ask for it. Yet, I struggle with doing so myself.

No person (or family) is an island. We are given friends and fellowship to share our joy and help with our troubles. So why are we so reluctant to use these gifts and to allow someone else the opportunity to be needed and to help?

Change

Here it is almost 7am on Saturday morning and Jacob and I are the only people awake in the house. I am still trying to convince Jacob that he needs to go back to sleep. He isn't paying attention. I have been awake since 5:30. On a Saturday. When my alarm did not go off because it is not a work day. And Jacob wasn't even awake yet.

I made the mistake of taking him out of his bed at 6:15 when he was still asleep. To nurse. Because I didn't want to pump. And I desperately needed to either nurse him or pump. But now he isn't going back to sleep. And neither am I. And honestly, I doubt I would be able to fall back asleep at this point anyway. Even though I am exhausted from the last two weeks, and all I can think about lately is getting more sleep. But my body is used to getting up early and just going. So that's what I do. Even on Saturday, apparently.

So here I am, watching Jacob, who is intently watching his hands as he learns how to pick things up more deliberately and more gracefully.

And I am thinking. Change is hard.

Not just the big changes, but also the little ones. Like getting up at 5:30 in the morning, even when you don't have to.

Not just the bad changes, but also the good changes. Changes like moving to a smaller town and staying home with my kids. (Really, are you even a little bit surprised that I would write about our move? It is, after all, what I am attempting to come to terms with right now.)

I've already talked some about the adjustments we will be making in adapting to small town life. I expected that. What I didn't expect was how I would feel as I get closer and closer to my last day of work.

I expected pure joy. No looking back. But what I am finding is a sense of unease along with the excitement. Yes, I will be staying home with my kids. And yes, that is what I have always wanted. And yes, that is definitely what I still want.

But I have been at this one job for 9 years. And I can't remember for sure the last time I didn't have a job. (The first 9 months of my marriage doesn't count, because I was actually looking for a job then. This time I have no intention of going back to working away from home...at least not for a very long time!)

My first inkling that this would be a difficult transition came when I completed my separation paperwork for my job. When I wrote the date of my last day and signed my name, I suddenly felt a bit teary. I was very surprised.

But it was still a date in the distant future. Now, seemingly all of a sudden, I am down to my last 8 days at work. And I both anticipate the last day more and feel more anxious about it. What a strange dichotomy of feelings. To want it so badly and then wonder if I really be able to handle it all.

In thinking about why I feel this way...I told my friend that it feels like I am getting ready to amputate part of my life. It feels so strange. I am having a hard time imagining not doing this job. If I were staying home and we were not moving, I would still go to visit my co-workers occasionally, and I am sure that I would hear stories about the kids with whom we work. But since we will be 2.5 hours away, that won't be happening. So there will not be any gradual adjustment. It will just be BAM here is your new life, without really having a transition.

Maybe that's what my anxiety is really about. Not WHAT the change actually is, but the fact that it will be sudden. I'm not usually a jump-in-the-water-all-the-way-to-get-used-to-it-faster kind of girl. Instead, I usually like to adjust slowly. But this time, there is only jumping in all at once...headfirst.

Can I get a do-over?

On the whole week, I mean. Because, I've got to tell you...it has been tough. On second thought...skip the do-over, we are on the last day before Brent gets home and we have MADE IT through the first week and maybe next week will be easier. At least I hope it will be easier. It will be easier...won't it? And I don't want another first week...we have finally figured some stuff out.

Here's some of what has happened this week:

Sunday night...things go pretty smoothly, kids and I are both bathed and Samantha is actually in bed by 7:30, I think she might have actually been asleep at 8, too, but I don't really remember...I have been too sleep deprived since then and there was nothing traumatic that made me remember that night.

Monday night...first night of trying to get everything done after work. I don't get things together very well. We eat PB&J for the 2nd night in a row. Jacob screams while I am making Samantha's dinner b/c he wants to eat, too. Neither kid gets a bath. It is around 9:30 before Samantha is actually in bed asleep.

Tuesday night...I am a bit more with it. I put Jacob in the sling before I start making Samantha's dinner, so he is able to nurse while I warm up her spagetti and my chicken. Samantha eats all of her spagetti, some yogurt, some oranges...she eats very well. Yeah! We use the vidoe camera to "make a movie" for Daddy. Both kids get bathed and we start stories at 7pm. Samantha brushes her teeth AND goes potty. WOW! Things are going great...maybe this won't be such a hard thing after all. I did notice that she had 3 or 4 mosquito bites and wonder if I should put benadryl gel on them. I decide to wait until the next day to see what they look like.

We say prayers and try to call Daddy. He doesn't answer...at any of the four numbers I called. I leave messages.

At 7:40, I tell Samantha she needs to go to bed. She doesn't want to...she hasn't talked to Daddy yet. She throws a fit in her bed. She almost throws up...twice. I ask her if she is done. She nods. Then starts screaming and suddenly a volcano erupts from her mouth. Three times in a row. So much for having eaten a good dinner.

I take her to the bathroom where everything falls onto the floor. How I managed to avoid getting anything on the carpet, I will never know...but I am grateful.

I leave her in the bathroom while I strip her bed. Then I take her to my bathroom to give her a shower. Thankfully she is one of the few 2 year olds on the planet who enjoy taking a shower.

We get clean pajamas on her and I make her bed up with clean sheets. She starts to throw a fit again as I am putting her back in her bed. But Brent calls just in time, and she talks to him and then lays down with no fussing. Of course that doesn't mean she stays in bed.

I feed Jacob who is now screaming that he is hungry. He falls asleep after he eats and I put him in his bed.

Samantha is out of her bed again and tells me "Me have bad dream." I tell her that she didn't have a bad dream because she hasn't been asleep yet. I put her back in bed.

I take everything that has puke on it to the kitchen so that I can rinse everthing in the sink with the garbage disposal. I start the laundry.

I hear Samantha again and go to put her back in her bed. She tells me that she needs Jacob. I tell her that Jacob is already asleep in his bed and she needs to go to sleep, too. She finally stays in her bed and falls asleep. It is 9:40pm.

I take a shower to get the puke off of me and out of my hair now.

I still need to mop the floors in the bathroom and the kitchen. I don't want to be smelling them the next day. I have no idea where the mop is...it was moved over the weekend. I decide I don't care and settle for picking things up with a paper towel and then using Lysol wipes to clean the floor. I finally get into bed myself at 10:20pm. My alarm will be going off at 5:30...if Jacob doesn't wake me up earlier, that is. And he does...at 4. At least I got to stay asleep that long.

Wednesday... At the babysitter's house I notice that the spots on Samantha's legs, the ones that I saw last night and thought were mosquito bites, are actually a poison ivy, or poison oak, or poison something type of reaction. I have no idea where she got into it. Neither does the babysitter. I wonder if I should call the doctor. Because both Brent's mom and I have terrible reactions to poison ivy and require prescription stuff to get over it.

I am exhausted at work and just want to take a nap. But...I'm at work. After work I go to get the kids. Samantha cries and tells me "Don't want to home." she refuses to get in the car, so I put her in. She continues to cry and repeat "Don't want to home." All the way to our house. She does get out of the car and go to the house without any fussing. It is an improvement, a least.

She says that she wants spaghetti for dinner, so I heat up the last of it. She refuses to touch it. Her dinner consists of two...yes, count them, two...apple slices with some peanut butter, before she tells me she is done. She won't even touch the "chips" (dried veggies, that she LOVES). And she hardly drinks anything either.

Her nose starts running like crazy and I remember that I have not given her any allergy medicine for the last three nights. Brent usually takes care of that and I have forgotten. I figure that she is having allergy problems because I started having a sinus headache earlier in the day. So I give her the allergy medicine and put some Vicks Vapo rub on her chest before bed. I also put hydrocotisone on her poison ivy spots.

Neither kid gets a bath.

Samantha stalls A LOT in going to bed. She tells me that she has to go potty at least two different times. The first time, I take her. The 2nd time I tell her that she already went and now she needs to go back to bed. She crawls under her bed...and gets stuck. She sticks her feet between the mattress and the bedframe...and gets stuck. She wedges herself between the bed and the wall...and gets stuck.

I try VERY hard to stay calm. It is hard to do so. Each time I put her back in her bed, I tell her that I love her and sleep well. She replies "NO! Don't want to love you!" I tell her that I am sorry she doesn't want me to say I love her, but I love her anyway.

She finally falls asleep around 8:30 or 8:45.

I get to bed at about 9:15. Jacob wakes up to eat at 11pm. And 1am. And 4 am. What on earth happened to my baby who has been sleeping for most of the night?!

As usual, the alarm goes off at 5:30.

Thursday...Samantha wakes up on her own about 15 minutes before we need to leave the house, so I am able to get her dressed and put the hydrocortisone on her leg again, before we leave the house. I even manage to have time to put all of Jacob's lotion on him and get him dressed. How did we manage that? Don't worry, I'm not complaining...I just want to know so that we can do it again.

Samantha doesn't want to go to Mrs Nancy's house. But once we get there she is happy to see Mrs Nancy. She is even nice to Maddie...at least for a little while until they start competing about what is "MINE!" as they point their fingers at one another. She cheerfully tells me bye-bye and gives me kisses before I leave, then goes back to playing with her brother.

She doesn't want to leave Nancy's house when I go to pick her up. I tell her that there is somebody visiting at our house and ask her who she thinks it is. She yells "Daddy!" with a great big smile. I told her that it isn't Daddy and ask who else might come visit us. SHe doesn't answer but she does get in the car. All the way home she tells me "Don't want to see doggy." Then when the doggy she normally sees on the way home isn't visible in its yard, she gets upset. Don't ask me...I can't figure her out sometimes, either.

When we pull into our driveway, she sees the car and yells "MEMAW'S CAR!!" I tell her yes, it is Memaw's car and that Memaw has come to visit us. She runs up to the house and down the hallway to give Memaw a big hug.

Then she immediately asked to go outside. I let her and take the lid off the sandbox for her. She came in without too much trouble when I tell her to. Memaw went shopping for us and got some things that I was planning to put on my shopping list but hadn't actually written down yet. Such as strawberries and bananas. Samnatha was particularly excited about the strawberries and she ate 5 large ones with her dinner. She also ate some veggie chips and about 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. Not peanut butter on something...just peanut butter...straight off the spoon. At least she didn't use her fingers this time. And she did drink a lot of "juice" (about 25% apple juice and 75% water.)

I managed to get her in the bathtub but I didn't get Jacob in the bath because Samantha really needed the vapor bath. And he has to have just plain water baths because of his eczema. Her nose was stopped up and runny all at once. How on earth is that possible?! I don't know, but that's how it was. We got out of the tub and got her ready for bed, then talked to Daddy on the phone. Then we had milk and stories...although she hardly drank any milk at all. That is very unusual for her.

We had a little trouble with getting her into bed. She kept purposely getting herself stuck to avoid going to sleep. I watched her wedge herself between the bed and the wall. She worked hard to do it. And I had to work hard to get her out. I almost just moved the bed. She finally went to sleep at about 8:30pm.

Thank goodness Brent's mom was here. She held Jacob while I took care of Samantha. So I didn't have two crying kids at the same time. Thank you for being here, Mom!

Jacob fell asleep around 9, and I got into bed a few minutes after that. The he woke up again at 1am. He ate a little, and then fussed and stayed awake until 2am. I was about to start crying when he finally fell back asleep. He got up again at 4, but fell asleep again as soon as he was done eating. Pheeewww!

Friday...We'll see what happens today. Hopefully Brent will be able to make it home early enough to be here before Samantha has to go to sleep. We'll see what happens.

Adjusting

I'm going to be completely honest here. I. Miss. My. Husband. Yes, I know he just left Sunday evening. Not even 48 hours ago. But I still miss him. I'm not even sure if it's OK to call him to ask about a couple of things. Because he is at a brand new job and I'm not sure how they would take him accepting a call from me right now. Well, right now I could, but he wouldn't be happy with me, it is, after all 6am. But I mean when he is at work. Hmmm...and that just made me realize that I don't even know the phone number for his new office. I better get that from him.

I almost didn't pick up the kids from the babysitter yesterday. Without thinking, I almost turned left to go home rather than right to go to the babysitter's house. Because it was Monday and Brent gets the kids on Monday.

I wish he was here to help with the kids. Like yesterday evening when I was feeding Jacob and Samantha told me she needed to go potty. I had to put Jacob down, and of course he promptly started screaming because he was NOT done eating. And he kept on screaming the whole time until Samantha was done and we both had our hands washed and I could pick him back up. And neither kid got a bath last night. And we had the 2nd day in a row of PB&J for dinner. (Although I did offer some leftover spagetti, but Samantha said she wanted "butter jelly samich" and I wasn't willing to make dinner a battle.)

And I realized that if I do have to go to the store, I better go at lunch because doing so in the evening will be all but impossible. Well, at least if I want the kids in bed anywhere close to on time. It was at least 8:30 before Samantha was asleep last night...I shoot for in bed by 7:30 and asleep by 8, usually. Hopefully I will manage to work bathtime in tonight.

I miss having a hug when I get home from work. And I miss having someone to talk to as I am going to bed. Good grief...I'm getting awfully sappy after less than 2 days!

Samantha is doing fairly well so far. Bedtime is a battle, but then, that's nothing new. She did talk about Daddy going away in the van when I picked her up yesterday evening, but she wasn't crying. She was just telling me. She talked to him on the phone and cheerfully said "Bye-bye. uv you" when she was done talking. And when we said our prayers, she added "Thank you Daddy" (she leaves out the word "for")

I am grateful that Samantha seems to be adjusting fairly well, at least so far. And as far as the rest goes, we will get used to things and it will get easier. Won't it?! And even if it doesn't...we just have a little less than 5 weeks to go.

Nervous

It's getting closer and closer to Brent's last weekday with us. And I am getting very nervous.

I am very concerned about being at work all day, then coming home to try to play with, feed, bathe and put to bed two children, one of whom is a nursing infant. And all this needs to be done within 2 hours of my getting home from work. And supposedly, I will be getting some packing done also. Umm...yeah...I see that happening. Well, maybe during my lunch hour.

I am in awe of single mothers who do this all the time and who have no choice in the matter. We are at least making the choice for this. Granted it is the only smart choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. I am so incredibly nervous about it. I don't want to be a single mom, even for only 5 days a week. Even for a short time...5 weeks to be exact. And I don't want my daughter to cry (or throw temper tantrums) because she misses her Daddy. But I know that will be coming.

We started telling Samantha the other day that Daddy will be working a lot so we won't see him for several days at a time, but then he will be back at home when he isn't working. Last night, after Brent told her this again, apparantly she thought he was already gone. After she got in bed, she was crying and I went to check on her. She told me "Daddy gone" in a very sad little voice with her tiny whimpers. I told her that he isn't gone yet, that there are still a few more days before he will be gone, and he will be sure that he says bye-bye to her before he leaves. She was OK after that.

It makes me quite nervous for when he is actually gone though.

On the bright side, we were able to skype with my sister and mom last night, so hopefully Brent will be able to get it to work on his dad's computer so that we can skype with him each evening. Oooo...I just had a BRILLIANT thought. We will have Brent take some books with him so that he can read a book to Samantha as we skype. That would be great! Especially since he is the one who usually reads stories to her at night.

For the next couple of days, I will try not to think about how close Sunday afternoon actually is. And I will try to get as much packing as I can finished before then, too. But I still have butterflies in my stomach right now. I can't imagine what it will feel like on Sunday. Probably like a herd of elephants in my stomach then.

Concerns About Moving

Before we knew we were moving, Brent and I were very excited about the possibility. There were no feelings other than excitement and anticipation. We have ALWAYS said that we didn't want to raise our children in the metroplex. There is just too much here. Too much crime. Too much drug use. Too much fast-paced life. And especially, too much illusion of affluence.

I know that those things are present anywhere you go. I just don't think that there is such a saturation of it in other places. And I want to live somewhere that we can see what life is really like rather than mostly see the facade that is typical in North Texas.

We both grew up in towns of 80-100 thousand people, and thought that would be the perfect size town in which to raise a family. And we really did think that we would end up somewhere like Waco or Temple. Much closer to all of our family members. Much smaller in size. Having much more realistic expectations of life.

And we are moving somewhere much smaller. M-U-C-H smaller. And I am so glad. But as I stated the other day ...I am also nervous. But I can get over that. We are moving, we will meet people, and we will adapt to our new life.

What worries me most right now is the effect of all these changes on Samantha. In the long term, the benefit to her...and to Jacob...is huge. It is what we wanted for them...to be away from the big city. We will give up some possibilities of some activities by living in such a small town, but there are still many opportunities for them. And, honestly, the other opportunities can still be there. It would just take a great committment on our part to make those other things happen. Because I figure, that Waco would have an outlet for pretty much any activity the kids want to do...it's just a bit of a drive...but it could be done if necessary. I'm not worried about those things.

What I am worried about right now is completely uprooting Samantha from everything she knows other than her family. The only immediate benefit (granted it is a big one, though) I see for her is that I will be staying home with her. The other benefits will come in time.

But in the meantime, we are taking her away from her church and her Bible class...that she loves. We are taking her away from her babysitter...who she loves. We are taking her away from her friends...who she loves seeing every day. We are taking her away from the only house she has ever known as home, to live in a temporary apartment, and then we will change that on her as soon as we are able to buy a new home in our new town.

If I, as an adult, have trouble handling this much change, how will my sensitive, spirited, strong-willed two-year old handle it all?

And have I mentioned that Brent will be moving before the kids and I do? He will start his new job on May 10. And I will stay here at my current job until the beginning of June. The kids will stay with me and still go to Mrs Nancy's house every day. And they will have only me to play with them and take care of them each evening during the week. For five entire weeks. Daddy will be here each weekend, but will that be enough for our sweet little Daddy's girl?

I am seeing major temper tantrums coming. I hope I am wrong, but I doubt that I will be. And I won't be able to blame her at all. After all, her world is turning upside down. How is she supposed to understand that at all? And how do I help her to make sense of it? And how do I remain calm when I am ready to pull my hair out at the frustration of it all? How do I model what I want my children to see, when that isn't what I feel at all? No, that isn't how I feel right now...but I am sure those feelings will be coming, probably the day after Brent leaves. And how do I handle it all then?

More About the Move

So you already know that we are moving. But what you don't know is that we are moving to a little bitty town in central Texas. Seriously. Little. Bitty. As in 3300 people little bitty. Yep. No middle ground for us. We go from the gigantic metroplex to little bitty. Kinda like we went from our teeny tiny, below the growth chart first child to our I can't believe how big he is, top of the growth chart second child. Like I said...no middle ground for this family.


So anyway, I'm a little nervous about this. Ok, I admit it, I'm a lot nervous. I mean seriously...Walmart is 45 minutes away! I have to become much more of a planner. There will be no last minute trips to the store because it is almost bedtime and we forgot to get more milk. And no running to get medicine for the kids when they get sick in the middle of the night. We have to make sure we always have things on hand.

The other day, I asked Brent if he thinks there will be anyone our age for us to become friends with. I know, I know...silly question...there are after all 3300 people...of course there are people our age.

But I do wonder if there is anyone our age with young children like ours. After all, even here in the metroplex, nearly everyone we know with children the same age as ours are nearly a decade younger than us. And big cities tend to have more of the older first time parent thing going on. Small towns...I guess we'll see soon enough. Can you tell I'm a little concerned about fitting in. Well, actually, not so much with fitting in as I am with making true connections.

And then, when I was already thinking along these lines, someone, who shall remain nameless so as to not be yelled at by his family ;) asked me if I am worried about having my own identity. Because the Grelle family has been in this small town for so long and they are well known there. I answered, no. We are a different age than the rest of the family and we will get to know people closer to our age. We will meet people at church. We will get to know people and will be known as ourselves. So no, I am not worried.

But then I started thinking...I've never lived in a small town before. And a niggling seed of doubt crept in. Thanks a lot nameless one ;) Is that really how it works? Will I be given the chance to be my own person? Or will I be only known as being part of a group?

Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE being part of this family, and I am proud to be known as one of them. But I also want people to get to know me and like me...or even to dislike me on my own merit rather than on the basis of who my family is. Does that make any sense at all? I am who I am...and that is how I want to be known. That will be possible, won't it?