Sadness

I found out the other day that one of my friends is having twins. My first thought was that I am so happy for her. How exciting! Also scary to have TWO babies to take care of when just one is so much work. But exciting more than anything.

That thought was almost immediately followed by silent tears.

What is this?

I have said for quite some time that I am grateful there is only one of Jacob. I don't think there is any way I could have handled twins. And yet, I am crying because I don't have twins...because the baby who would have been Jacob's twin is already in heaven and I don't get to ever feel that sweet little one in my arms on this earth.

Apparently my head and my heart are still having a disconnect. I wonder if that will always be the way it is? I'm beginning to think so. That there will be times when I am surprised by that grief again. Just when I thought everything was fine.

Mother's Day Prayer

Yesterday, during our church service, our minister prayed a prayer for Mother's Day that really touched me. He included not only the mothers, grandmothers, etc, but also all the women who want to be mothers but are struggling with infertility. I have never heard anyone acknowledge this struggle in connection with Mother's Day before. And I teared up.

All the years that we were trying to have a baby and couldn't, Mother's Day was torture. It emphasized what I wanted but couldn't have. Often times, at the church service, they would hand out a flower to each mom who was there. And I never got one. I felt left out.

I wanted to celebrate my mom, and Brent's mom, and my sister, and his sister, who are all moms. But I was also jealous. And felt left out. Because I was the only women in either family who wasn't a mom. And I desperately wanted to be.

I thought I was past all that. After all, I am a mom now. I have two beautiful children. But when Gordon prayed that prayer, I almost cried.

Finally, someone acknowledged what I felt, and what many other women still feel. And I realized again that infertility isn't something that I "got over" even after two children. It changed how I feel, how I see things, even who I am. It makes me feel even more for women who can't have children, for those who hope to have children, and for those who have lost children.

Thank you for your sensitivity, Gordon. Thank you for including women who feel so left out all the time, and who feel even more left out on this day every year.

Infertility

I don't like that word. I don't like that state. I don't like using it to describe me. But it does. Describe me that is.

That may seem strange for me to say since I do, in fact, have two children. Who were carried in my body until they entered this world. But I am still infertile. It took a doctor to get me pregnant both times. (funny sidenote: Brent and I both love to say "the doctor got me/her pregnant" then watch the person's face. Especially if it is someone who doesn't know that we did IVF. The shock value gives us priceless looks. Sometimes it even works momentarilty on people who DO know about the IVF, then they smile once they realize what we are talking about.)

Anyway, back to the infertility. Brent and I cannot agree, at least right now, on whether or not we should habe another baby. I say yes. Brent says no. But we have 5 tiny babies, frozen, waiting for us to come to an agreement about whether we will try again or whether we will give them to another couple to raise. If we didn't have them, it would be an easy answer. No, we would not deal with another treatment cycle. It is too much and the decisions are too hard. I would be sad that we would not have more children, but it would still not be a hard decision to make.

There will only be another baby if we both agree to it and plan for it. There will be no "Surprise! I'm pregnant" coming from me. There is no chance of birth control failing and giving us a surprise blessing - in fact, we decided long ago that we would not use any birth control.

After all, almost 6 years of actively trying didn't work. And now we know that the problem is. And it isn't something that will go away. So why subject me to the hormones and the lovely moods I tend to get into when I am on birth control? Answer...we shouldn't. And we don't.

My doctor is horrified by this reasoning, but we just tell him that if God decides that we need another baby and overcomes the barrier of my infertility, then birth control wouldn't stop Him either. We would KNOW without a doubt that baby was meant to be for us and we would have no reservations.

And Brent is 100% certain that it will not happen anayway. But I am still hoping. I still want one more baby. My family doesn't feel complete yet. And there are those 5 babies. Just sitting and waiting...

Infertility stinks.

It's All About the Timing

Do you remember this post? It was nearly 2 years ago, and we were disappointed that a job we were sure Brent was about to get didn't happen.

In the middle of May that year, Samantha's first babysitter had to go back to work and we had to start looking for a new babysitter. We looked at me staying home and giving up the hope of another baby, but when we re-evaluated our budget, we realized that with the perpetual salary freeze at Brent's job, and prices of everything going sky-high, we could not make it on only Brent's salary. So he started job hunting.

He called a company in the town where his parents live and spoke to the general manager. The GM did not currently have any openings, but he was excited to hear from Brent. He has been considering creating a new position and thought that Brent would be just perfect for it. He just had to run it by the owner of the company and said that he would call back after the owner was back from vacation.

We were certain that this would happen. Brent's mom and sister started looking for houses for us one weekend. For that matter, Brent and I started looking as well. We just looked on the internet rather than in person. We were so excited about the possibility. No, actually, we didn't think it was a possibility...we were certain this was going to happen.

Then a few weeks later, we heard back. The owner said no. We were so incredibly disappointed. And we went on with our search for childcare for Samantha. She stayed with Lezley for a little while, then she stayed with our next door neighbor for most of the summer (until they moved away from us!) And then we found Mrs Nancy. And Samantha has been with her since August 2008...nearly 2 years. And Samantha loves Mrs. Nancy, and she loves her friends.

I kept on working, and since I was still working, we decided that we would go ahead and do the whole in vitro process again. We did still have the insurance to cover it (since it was through my job) and we really didn't want Samantha to grow up without at least one sibling. So in November 2008, I started seeing my RE again.

In March I did all the medications, egg harvesting, and embryo transfer. On April 10, 2009, Good Friday, we told Brent's family that we were having another baby. We told my family the next day. And Jacob was born on December 11, 2009.

Then at the beginning of this month, Brent woke me up, at 5am, by saying, "Christy, DB (the GM's initials) emailed me and wants me to call him." It is amazing how quickly, mere seconds is all it took, that we got our hopes up again. Brent called after work that afternoon and they set up an interview for 4/16/10.

Could it really happen this time? We were excited, yet still somewhat cautious. I was able to clear my schedule for that afternoon so we all left on Thursday evening to go spend the weekend with Brent's parents. The interview was at 9am. We (Mom, Dad and I) still hadn't heard from Brent at 11am, and we were saying things like "Surely it is good news that it is taking so long." We really wanted to hear, though!!

And Brent was offered the job. And it is just a little over the amount we had to have in order for me to stay home. And we are so grateful. I will get to stay home with my babies!

I realized the other day that if Brent had gotten this job 2 years ago, there would be no Jacob, because there is no infertility coverage in the new insurance. It's all about the timing. It is perfect.

And a little more of perfect timing. Brent's insurance ends on his last day of employment. Which is this Friday, April 30. My job only adds new coverage on the first of the month. So by getting everything turned in this week, we are able to transition the kids insurance coverage to begin May 1. That's right...there is NO GAP in their coverage at all.

Then, my insurance ends on the last day of the month in which I have worked any days. My last day of work is June 3, so we have coverage until June 30. And Brent's new insurance begins on July 1. Once again, there is NOT A SINGLE DAY of no insurance coverage. What incredible, perfect timing.

Learning to Wait

This is from a scrapbook page that I wrote in early 2006.

For as long as I can remember, I have known that I should be a mom someday. My picture of the future has always included a husband and children.

After college, it started to seem that my dream would never come true. I went for several years without even one date. That was a very hard time, at least in the beginning. However, those years were invaluable to me. It was during this time that I learned to grow as a person on my own. I found a way to serve God and be part of His family where I was and how I was. It wasn’t until after I was completely comfortable with this role that Brent and I started dating. When I wasn’t even looking for anything or anyone, God sent Brent to me.

After we had been married for about a year and a half, we decided to start trying to expand our family to include children. Remember, I had always wanted to be a mom, but after Benjamin stayed with us for the first time, I started telling people that I had found the job that I was created to be, and that was to be a mom. It has been nearly four years since we decided to try to have a baby. It has been a huge struggle to see, month after month, and year after year, that my prayers are not being answered. At least not in the way I wish them to be. It is also a struggle to not be jealous when I see so many people around me welcoming precious new babies into the word, but, somehow, I have still been able to rejoice with each one of them.

I thought that I had come to an acceptance of the possibility of never having children. After I had surgery in October 2005, though, I got my hopes very high very quickly, especially when so many people told me of their experiences and getting pregnant the month after surgery. My doctor is not so optimistic and does not think that I will get pregnant unless we do in vitro. Now I am facing the possibility of my never being a mother. Can I handle this if it is God’s answer? It is very hard for me to accept that thought. What I need to remember is that God can and will use me wherever I am, and that I need to be able to say that where I am is enough as long as He is with me. I’m not there yet. I can accept that I may never have children, but I can’t say that is enough for me. It still feels like there is something missing.

In trying to comfort me on Christmas day, when I had just found out that I was not pregnant, again, someone told me that even if I don’t have children of my own, I will always have children around me. That did not help at all at the time. Since then, however, I have found myself thinking about that statement more. Maybe she was right. I do have the blessing of nephews and nieces and my friends’ children in my life. I have to decide to work with and be thankful for what I do have rather than wishing for what I don’t have. I have to allow God to be ENOUGH to fill me completely and then I will be complete. Then I will have learned how to wait on the Lord.


Some things have changed since this was written, but I still need the reminder to allow God to fill me and to wait on Him.

Longing

I don't know why, but I have been full of longing lately. Longing for my babies who are in heaven. And especially for the one who would have been Jacob's twin.

When I first found out that I was pregnant with only one baby again, I had a very hard time dealing with it. Yes, I was happy for the one who was growing and healthy, but I also grieved for the one who already went to heaven. I wanted to hold that baby in my arms! I knew that it would be very hard (that is a vast understatement, I am sure!) to have twins, especially with a toddler to take care of as well. But it didn't matter what my head knew, my heart wanted both of my babies with me. It didn't matter that I know that baby is far better off being in heaven, wrapped in God's embrace from the start, never knowing any of the sorrow and pain that life on earth can bring. Experiencing only the joy of God's presence. I still wanted my baby. And I told God that. Over and over and over. I cried to Him. I yelled at Him. I prayed that the first sonogram was wrong. And eventually I came to acceptance. And I was profoundly grateful for my one baby growing strong and healthy. I thought that I was beyond all that grieving.

But it turns out that I'm not. Even now, in the midst of struggling to keep up with the needs of ONE baby and a toddler, knowing that I would be a completely exhausted basket case if there were two babies and a toddler, I still want my other baby. (This is where you ask if I am absolutely crazy, and I guess the answer is that yes, I am) I find myself longing to know that other life. And I don't want to wait until I get to heaven. I want to know that baby now. And I cry about it. And I ask God why. And I don't hear an answer. I will probably never know...at least not on this earth.

I wonder if deciding to go ahead with in vitro was a poor decision after all. I resisted the idea for a LONG time...until I found out that we could donate any embryos we had left to another couple. Once I found that out, my resistance began to crumble. My moral reason for resistance was gone. And the rest of my resistance wasn't very hard to whittle away, particularly after we discovered that my insurance would cover the process...at least partially. But I never thought about the fact that we would have babies who were conceived who would not survive long enough to be transferred or frozen. And I never thought about the fact that I would know exactly how many babies were transferred into my uterus, and that as a result I would know without a doubt how many babies have died. And I never thought about the fact that the knowledge would hurt. Did we forget to let God decide how to handle things, and this grief is a result? Did we not have enough faith to allow Him to do things His way? But then, God is the one who allowed men the knowledge of how to do in vitro. And there was plenty of grief before, when we thought we might never have a child. There are no easy answers.

If we hadn't done in vitro, even if those babies had been concieved, I would never have known, and I wouldn't be longing for any of them now. But since we did make that decision, I would not go back and undo it, because that decision brought Samantha and Jacob to us...and I would not trade life with them for anything. I would not even trade this sorrow and longing. I would rather have it with them than not have it without them.

I don't know why...but my attention has been drawn to several people in the last few days. These weren't stories I went searching for...I'm not sure why I happened across even one of them...much less several. They are women who have lost their babies. Some whose babies died while in utero at a very late stage of pregnancy. And some whose babies died within minutes or hours of their birth. And I have bawled as I read their stories, and as they shared their pain and anger...and their never-wavering faith in God.

I didn't experience what they did. I didn't have a grief so consuming that I couldn't get up in the morning. My grief didn't really interfere with my living my life at all. I didn't have to try to comfort my small child and help her understand why her new sibling wouldn't be able to come home. I had a baby to hold at the end of each of my pregnancies. One who would live and grow. Who would make me laugh and who would make me scream in frustration. One who would show me that I can love more than I ever realized was possible. One who would love me even when I don't deserve it.

But in spite of that...I find myself almost envious that they saw the face of their sweet child who is now in heaven. I don't want to go through what they did, but I do want a face to picture when I cry. I want people to give me the right to cry instead of telling me that I should just be grateful for what I do have. I want it to be "acceptable" for me to long for my child.

I also want the faith that I see them displaying. The faith that their first reaction is one of stating that God has not changed and that he is worthy of praise, NO MATTER WHAT. That He has a reason for allowing their tragedy, even if they will never know that reason. And that they can praise Him for that reason without ever knowing it. The kind of faith that my children can see in my life every day. The kind that they will learn by watching me in every ordinary moment. The faith that has these women drawing closer to Him every day, that has them leaning on Him when they cannot stand on their own anymore. I long for that close relationship with my savior, the one that I think I once had, but somehow misplaced.

I read this prayer several years ago and pray it often now. "God, since I can't hold my babies on my lap and teach them about You. Please hold them on Your lap and teach them about me."

And God, then please hold me and help me to know You more, and help me to show You more.

Moving to Acceptance

Yesterday was a bit of a tough day...full of mixed emotions.

I had the first sonogram of this pregnancy and found out that we are having one baby. This baby is right on with its growth and the heart rate was perfect. That is the happy part. The sad part was that there was another baby transferred with this one. And the other baby is in heaven now.

My head knows this is the best. My head knows all the answers. It is very unlikely that I would have been able to carry twins to term. It would have been VERY hard to take care of newborn twins while taking care of an older baby under 2 years. In fact, it will be hard taking care of only one newborn and also taking care of Samantha. And I know that God is taking much better care of that baby (and all the others) than I ever could. And my head says that I will get to meet all of those babies in heaven someday. What a wonderful reunion that will be! But my heart says that I really wanted both of my babies here with me. And my heart can't understand why that shouldn't happen.

So I'm in a bit of a tough spot right now. It's strange to be both happy and sad at the same time. It's strange to be rejoicing and greiving at the same time. It's strange to be devastated and relieved at the same time. But that's where I am.

I find myself wondering why this is so much harder than it was when I found out that Samantha was the only baby to make it in that pregnancy. Perhaps it is because, with Samantha, my hcg levels were at the bare minimum to indicate a healthy pregnancy, so although I hoped for twins, I never REALLY thought I had twins. But this time, my numbers were more than double what they were with Samantha, so I really thought there was a chance of twins. But, whatever the reason, it is harder this time.

So until my heart catches up with my head and I come to true acceptance, you may see me crying for no apparent reason. I may tear up suddenly while talking to you. And now you know that there us a reason (besides pregnant hormones!)...and I may not be ready to talk about it. I will be OK. It will just take some time. So until my heart catches up with my head...please be patient with me.

The Story of the Pictures

If you weren't able to figure it out from the pictures...Samantha is going to be a big sister. Yep we are having a baby (or maybe two) near the end of the year.

We decided to do in vitro again, but Brent said that he didn't want to tell anyone this time. He wanted to just be able to say "Surprise! We are having a baby!"

We knew on March 24th that my pregnancy test at the doctor's office would be on Good Friday, so we started making plans for what to do on Easter weekend. We were already supposed to travel to San Angelo for Easter, but we decided that we would go to Clifton first and surprise everyone by just showing up and making our announcement. (We never really considered that IVF wouldn't work, we just planned for it working.) One of my friends announced her pregnancy to her blog readers by posting a picture of her younger son wearing a shirt that said "Middle Child", so I got the idea to get Samantha a "Big Sister" shirt and not say anything to our families but to see how long it took them to notice. Brent thought that was a good idea. We ran into a problem, though. I couldn't find a big sister shirt small enough for Samantha. The smallest we could find was 2T. That would swallow her!

I remembered another friend making her son's halloween costume by making iron on transfers with her home computer, so I decided to do that. I found a couple of plain shirts and used my scrapbook program to start designing the iron ons. We decided to make 2 shirts so that we wouldn't have to worry about keeping one shirt clean for 2 days. It took me about a week to come up with 2 designs that we both liked, but when I put them on the shirts, they looked terrible! Apparantly the iron on paper "for white or light colors" ought to really be only for white, because the colors of the transfers changed a lot! So back to Wal-Mart I went, and found the transfer paper for dark colors. Then back to Target to get 2 more shirts. This time it worked, with the colors looking exactly like they did before being ironed on. Yeah!

We got the car mostly packed up on Thursday (4/9/09) evening and I finshed getting a couple more things together on Friday morning. Then, while Brent fed Samantha breakfast, I went to the doctor's office for my bloodwork. We knew that we wouldn't have the results until that afternoon, so a few days earlier, I took a home pregnancy test, just to be sure. As soon as I got home from the doctor's office, we changed Samantha into her big sister shirt and left for Clifton. It felt so weird to be leaving town and not calling to tell anyone we were on our way.

Brent and I also had a bit of guilty conscience hitting us b/c we had both basically lied to our moms. My mom had asked me if Brent would be off for Good Friday. He was because of the slow production they have been having, but it wasn't specifically for Good Friday. They actually don't get Good Friday as one of their holidays. So my answer to my mom was, "Mom, he works for a corporation. They never get Good Friday off." Brent's mom was talking to him on Thursday evening about us going to San Angelo, and asked, "So you couldn't make it out there this evening, huh?" And biting his tongue, he just told her "No." Then he almost ruined the surprise because he almost said "See you tomorrow" to her. He managed to keep from spitting it out, though.

When we arrived at the Grelle house, Mom and Dad were at the office, but we kept driving to the house. By the time we managed to get out of the car, Mom was already there, and Staci had made it outside, too. They noticed Samantha's shirt immediately and were very excited. Dave was outside when they saw it, so who knows if he would have noticed on his own or not. Dad was still at the office, though, so he didn't know anything. When he got to the house, he hugged us, and started playing with Samantha. Brent kept straightening out her shirt, trying to draw dad's attention to it. Finally he saw it, but it still took him a minute to get it. Then he was very excited!

Mom called Uncle Charles and Aunt Ginger and told them that we were there and that they should come over, but that if they weren't able to come in the afternoon, we could all have dinner together that evening.

The guys all left to go play golf for the afternoon, and it was just us girls at the house. Right when we were getting ready to go meet the guys for dinner, Samantha threw up all over the place. So she and I had to change clothes and mom had to clean her living room rug. Needless to say, we were a bit late getting to dinner.

Brent later told me that before we got there, Dad asked Charles and Ginger "Have you heard the news?" When they asked what news, he started backtracking and said that if they don't know, he isn't at liberty to say. Then he also told them that when we arrive, to be sure to look at Samantah's shirt.

Brent and Dave met us at the door of the restaurant and Dave immediatley noticed that Samantha was wearing a different shirt, and was disappointed until I showed him that it also said Big Sister. We got to the table and Dad noticed that her shirt was different, but he couldn't see the front of it, and said something about not wearing her shirt anymore. Brent told him that it is OK because it was the same. Samantha was holding her lambie and blankie, so no one could see the front of her shirt yet. Dad then told Brent to show Charles and Ginger the shirt, and once they saw it,they immediately congratulated us.

Brent also told me that Dad told him at some point "I'm sorry, Son, I'm just so excited." about pointing the shirt out rather than waiting to see if they noticed. We can understand...we are pretty excited, too.

We left Clifton to go to Sana Angelo on Saturday morning, and once we were a little way out, I saw that I had a voice mail from my mom. I called her back and told her that I hadn't heard my phone ring, so we must have been in a dead spot when she called. (Of course, I knew that we were, because when we are in Clifton, unless we are actually in town, there is no signal for us.) Mom said that she figured that and was just checking on us. This was about 11am that we were talking now, and I told her that we got a little later start than we had planned and we were still almost three hours away. She said that was fine and she would see us when we got there.

Samantha finally fell asleep and slept until we had to stop in Ballinger. Then she woke up and was very cranky for the rest of the trip, so as we were getting into town, I called Mom and Kathy and told them that we were going straight to Grandma's house so that we wouldn't have to put Samantha back in her car seat after getting her out. They both said that they couldn't come immediately but that they would come in a little bit. We got to Grandma and Grandpa's house and let Samantha play on the floor and with Grandma and Grandpa. I kept standing her up, straightening out her shirt, trying to draw attention to it, but neither of them said a word.

Kathy got their about 45 minutes later, picked Samantha up and said, "What does your shirt say?" As soon as she read it, she got it and congratulated us. Then grandma said, "I was wondering why she had a shirt that said big sister, but I just figured it was a hand me down." We all decided she was just crazy! Hehehe...

Mom came over a while later and sat down beside Samantha. After a while she noticed Samantha's shirt and said "Big sister. You're not a big sister" I said, "Oh yes she is!" Mom said, "To who?" I said, "We don't know yet. We don't even know how many yet." Then Mom got it, too. She said that she also figured the shirt was a hand me down.

Dad came a bit later than mom, so he wasn't there when mom saw the shirt, and we didn't say anything to him. He didn't notice anything by the time we left to go eat. We got to the restaurant and he still didn't notice, so finally I stood Samantha up in my lap and said, (speaking as Samantha) "Grandpa, look at me." He said "uh-huh. You're standing up." I said "Grandpa, look at my shirt." He said, "I see. Big sister." and didn't say anything else. Brent was standing beside him and asked "What does that tell you?" Dad said, "That she is a big sister." I groaned since he had absolutely no reaction and said "My entire family is clueless!" And Brent kept leading Dad until he finally came to the conclusion that we are having another baby. Good grief! I thought it would be so obvious!

One we got back home, we wanted to wait to make the announcement to our class until we had told our small group, so on Wednesday, we put on the big sister shirt again and headed off to the Williams house. We were the first ones to arrive, and Beverly noticed pretty quickly and congratulated us. Everyone except James and Tammy arrived before Jill finally noticed what her shirt said. And everyone congratulated us. We had started thinking that no one would notice at all. Beverly even came over at one point and quietly asked me if anyone had said anything and I told her no. So, Yeah Jill! You got the word out!

When James and Tammy arrived, I told Tammy to look at Samantha. She did and said how cute. I told her to look at the shirt, and she again said how cute. Then she realized what it said and did a double take. That was kind of funny to watch her expression change.

The next morning I sent an email to our class just saying, I thought you might like to see these pictures of Samantha. A couple people replied, so I know at least some peole got it. We will see on Sunday if everyone did or not.

Anyway, so we had a lot of fun with our announcement, and now we have some great stories to tell to go with the pictures. :)

Dreaming of reunion

For those who don't already know, Brent and I had in vitro done in order to have our sweet baby girl. 14 eggs were harvested, 11 were fertilized and started growing, 2 were transferred into my body, and Samantha is the only one who survived.

Sometimes I think about those 9 other babies who didn't even have a chance. I look forward to meeting them in heaven. Sometimes I think of the one other one that was transferred with Samantha. Those thoughts are generally sad, grieving for the baby that was inside of me but didn't live.

On the way home from church one Sunday, I started talking to Brent about thinking about that one other baby. I told him that for 4 weeks, I wondered about and dreamed of my 2 babies that I might be carrying. Those 4 weeks of wondering were enough for me to mourn the baby who didn't survive. I can't imagnie what someone who loses a baby further along feels like. Or how awful it would be to lose my child after I have been able to hold her in my arms. My heart goes out to those who have had to endure, and are still enduring that kind of loss.

Brent asked me if I ever think of the other nine babies. I told him that I do, but that it is different than thinking about the one who was transferred into my body with Samantha. The other nine died before they were real possibilities in my mind, so although I think about them and wonder about them, I don't really mourn them like I do the one.

We were silent for a little while and then I asked him if he ever thinks about the other babies. He said that he does, but that he thinks about all 10 of them together. I asked what he thinks about them, and he started telling me about a dream that he had.

He said that he was walking along somewhere, and there was a large group of kids, all about 10 years old running toward him. As they were running toward him, he realized that they were our children, and he knew their names. He started calling out their names and made it through the first three names before he woke himself up calling them out loud.

What a wonderful gift that God gave us by allowing my husband to dream of our reunion to come. And to show us in that dream that He loves and cares for our children, enough to name them and that he loves us enough to show us that we will all be together someday. And so we continue to look forward to that reunion in a place where there will be no tears, only joy.

6 months

I realize that this is a week late, but it is better late than never.

As of July 7, we have had the privilege of being parents to Samantha Grace for 6 months. After 6 years of an interminable cycle of hoping, dreaming, praying, wishing, waiting, crying, not understanding, giving up, accepting, not accepting, praying more and beginning all over again, we finally welcomed our sweet baby girl into the world. And now 6 months have flown by. It hardly seems possible.

During this time, we have seen and done a lot. We have come a long way and Samantha has come even farther. She was forced to come into the world 5 weeks before she was due, 4 weeks earlier than we had planned, due to my having dangerously high blood pressure and bad liver function levels. She was born 1/7/08 at 9:31pm, weighing 5lbs 13 oz and measuring 18 inches long.

She spent 9 days in the NICU, coming home 4 weeks before the day we were told to expect her home. She has struggled with eating issues but we have wonderful doctors who work with us to be sure that she has the right medications and routines. She has been a challenging baby with her eating issues and the pain surrounding that, but the medications have helped a lot. It has been at least a couple of months since she has screamed because she was hungry but hurt too much to eat. Other than when she is hurting, she is a very happy baby. I’m so grateful, because her infectious smile and pleasant personality have made the challenges easier to bear. She still does not nurse very well, often refusing to completely, but she does nurse consistently every morning, giving me some of that aspect of the special relationship between a mother and child.

Samantha smiles all the time and will laugh occasionally. Usually when her daddy is playing with her, but once in a while when she sees me walk into the room. She loves to sit up and stand up, although she is not able to do either on her own yet. She can stay sitting for a few moments on her own once we help her up. So far she has made it as long as 14 seconds. She rolls over from back to tummy and tummy to back. She gets around on the floor by rolling to her side, then scooting her legs, rolling to her side again, and scooting again until she gets to where she wants to be. She is eating baby food and loves all of her vegetables but does not like her fruit at all. Perhaps that is the result of all the veggies I ate while I was pregnant, although I also ate fruit…so, who knows? 

She is a wonderful blessing in our lives and we can’t imagine life without her. Whatever did we do before? At this point I don’t really remember what life before Samantha was like. I look forward to continuing on this journey of growth and discovery with my little family.

Happy half birthday, Samantha!