Dreaming of reunion

For those who don't already know, Brent and I had in vitro done in order to have our sweet baby girl. 14 eggs were harvested, 11 were fertilized and started growing, 2 were transferred into my body, and Samantha is the only one who survived.

Sometimes I think about those 9 other babies who didn't even have a chance. I look forward to meeting them in heaven. Sometimes I think of the one other one that was transferred with Samantha. Those thoughts are generally sad, grieving for the baby that was inside of me but didn't live.

On the way home from church one Sunday, I started talking to Brent about thinking about that one other baby. I told him that for 4 weeks, I wondered about and dreamed of my 2 babies that I might be carrying. Those 4 weeks of wondering were enough for me to mourn the baby who didn't survive. I can't imagnie what someone who loses a baby further along feels like. Or how awful it would be to lose my child after I have been able to hold her in my arms. My heart goes out to those who have had to endure, and are still enduring that kind of loss.

Brent asked me if I ever think of the other nine babies. I told him that I do, but that it is different than thinking about the one who was transferred into my body with Samantha. The other nine died before they were real possibilities in my mind, so although I think about them and wonder about them, I don't really mourn them like I do the one.

We were silent for a little while and then I asked him if he ever thinks about the other babies. He said that he does, but that he thinks about all 10 of them together. I asked what he thinks about them, and he started telling me about a dream that he had.

He said that he was walking along somewhere, and there was a large group of kids, all about 10 years old running toward him. As they were running toward him, he realized that they were our children, and he knew their names. He started calling out their names and made it through the first three names before he woke himself up calling them out loud.

What a wonderful gift that God gave us by allowing my husband to dream of our reunion to come. And to show us in that dream that He loves and cares for our children, enough to name them and that he loves us enough to show us that we will all be together someday. And so we continue to look forward to that reunion in a place where there will be no tears, only joy.