Blessings?

A couple months ago, Brent and I were talking about blessings, or, more specifically, how we say that we are blessed when something good happens or when something goes our way.

I had been thinking...and mentioned to Brent, that if that is the case, if we say that God is faithful, that he has blessed us, when good things happen or when we barely miss being in a wreck or when someone we love is healed, what does that mean for someone that didn't have those same things happen?

Does that mean that God didn't bless my friend whose baby died? Did he choose not to bless my friend whose husband was unfaithful and left her, then took custody of their children and who then found out she had cancer? Did he decide not to bless the woman whose husband died of cancer and who was left to raise two young children on her own? And if he didn't, why didn't he?

And if I say that I have been blessed with the good things that happen or the bad things that are avoided, what does that say to the person who is enduring hardship or tragedy? What does it say to the person who didn't have that good thing happen in their life? Am I being sensitive to their needs and feelings? Am I, in essence, rubbing their face in their lack of blessing?

How is this seeming randomness of blessings possible with a just and loving God?

Yes, I know, we live in a world that is fallen, that is affected by sin, in which people choose to ignore God and choose to hurt others...but I still struggle with this whole idea of blessing. I cannot understand how God chooses, even, or maybe especially, among people who are faithful, who to bless and who not to bless on earth. I have been completely unable to wrap my mind around this concept. Something is just not right to my way of thinking. Am I missing something? Or do I just not understand God? (Of course the answer is that I don't understand God, no one does, but what I guess what I mean is really "Is what understanding that I do have of God actually that flawed?")

These are things that I have been wrestling with in my mind for a while.

Then about a month ago, I read this blog post, by a woman whose husband suddenly died while she was pregnant with their 3rd child, with a link to Laura Story's song called "Blessings" in it. Then I heard the song on the radio last week. Then last Sunday, in Bible class, our preacher referred to someone commenting that God is faithful after his wife was unharmed during a terrible storm in which many lost their lives. And he mentioned that he wonders what that says to all the people who lost their loved ones. And that made me think about the whole blessings disconnect again. Then I saw a link to the same song on another blog. And now I have been hearing the song nearly every time I get in the car. It's like this song is knocking at my heart to tell me something. Or maybe God is using it to try to teach me something.


Lyrics:
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


So I read the lyrics again. And after I listened to the song again, I listened to a couple of videos in which the singer/writer is talking about where the song comes from and what it means.

Talking about the song


Talking about the album


And I wrote down this statement that Laura made. "Are we going to judge God based on our circumstances that we don't understand, or are we going to choose to judge our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God?" Wow. That most definitely takes some thinking about.

Then I also saw a different blog post, with a link to a speaker, Francis Chan, speaking on a completely different topic, but also saying some of the same sort of things about our not understanding God...that we don't have all the answers. That maybe God knows something that we don't. It gave me even more to think about.


And I have begun to wonder...maybe the blessings are not the things we have, the circumstances that surround us, the requests that are granted, but maybe the blessing is simply being God's child and having him love and comfort us. Maybe it is his faithfulness in never leaving us, and always remaining where we can return to him no matter how often we walk away and no matter how long we are gone from him. Or maybe it is a little of everything. I have a feeling that I will be continuing to ponder this for some time to come.

Unexpected Peace

Brent called me on Tuesday afternoon and told me that Grammy (his paternal grandmother and only living grandparent) had taken a sudden, bad turn, and that she may only live another couple of days. He left work early and went to the nursing home to be with her and his parents. I waited until the kids woke up and they stayed with Aunt Ginger while I went to the nursing home. I started preparing Samantha for my being gone for a few hours, and told her that Grammy is very sick and will be going to heaven soon. I said that she and Jacob would stay with Aunt Ginger while I am at Grammy's house. She was completely fine with everything. I took the kids over to Ginger and told her that I had talked to Samantha about what is going one. As we were talking, with Samantha right beside us, Ginger looked over and said "Grammy needs..." and before she could finish the sentence with "her family around her," Samantha inserted "...to go to heaven." I smiled and told Samantha that she is right, and that Grammy will be happy and will not be sick as soon as she is in heaven with Jesus. My sweet 3 year old daughter gave me an unexpected moment of peace.

By the time I got to the nursing home, only Brent and his mom were there because his dad had to go get some work done. Brent left to go to Waco after I had been there for a while and his mom and I sat quietly some and we talked some. We held Grammy's hands when she woke up, and Mom called the nurse when she seemed to be in pain. I left at 6:45 to go home and put the kids to bed. I was grateful for the time I could be there. And I am grateful for my mother-in-law, who has such a caring heart, and who takes care of what and who needs to be taken care of all the time.

On Wednesday, Brent went straight to the nursing home from work. The kids and I met him in town for dinner and then they and I went on to church while Brent went back to the nursing home. After church, Brent took the kids home and I stayed at the nursing home. I had planned to stay quite late, but Dad convinced me that it was not neccessary, that the nurses would be in to check on Grammy very regularly and that they could give her pain medicine as often as once per hour if need be. I still stayed for a while, though. She was sleeping so peacefully, unlike the day before. I worked on my quilting, I sang songs to Grammy, and I sat quietly watching her. It was a time of unexpected peace and blessing for me in the midst of heartache and grief.

On Thursday afternoon I took the kids to the nursing home to visit a little. When we arrived, the rest of the family told me that Grammy's condition had progressed and that she was not expected to live through the day. There were quite a few family members there, so with the crowded area and the kids having been cooped up for a while, it was time for them to go home. I told Staci that she could stay and I would take the kids to my house, but that first I wanted to take Samantha in to see Grammy.

Every time we have visited Grammy in the past, we have asked Samantha to sing to Grammy. But she never would. I asked again as we sat beside Grammy's bed, and Samantha said no. I told her that I would sing with her, but she still said no as she nervously looked at the other people in the room. I told her that this will be her last chance to sing to Grammy, because she will be in heaven very soon...and she said yes. She sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "Sweet Sweet Spirit" I sort of sang with her as tears rolled down my face. Then she gave Grammy a kiss and we said goodbye. It was bittersweet moment. It was also a moment of peace.

This watching and waiting really stinks. We know that the end of Grammy's life on earth is coming. We know that it will be fairly soon but we don't know when. Each day we wake up in the morning wondering if Grammy is still alive, wondering if today is the day. This is hard! I am grateful that in the middle of the waiting, of the uncertain grieving, that we have these moments of peace.

Letting Go

If you don't know, I am usually a pretty laid back person. Unless it is about something big, and then I really want to be in control. I want things to go according to plan, and I don't want that plan to be changed mid-stream. Letting go of that control is hard for me. It doesn't happen very often. And I am not in my comfort zone when it does.

Brent and I have a very important decision to make. We have been trying to make it for more than a year, and we just can't decide what to do. He has one idea. I have another. And no amount of talking about it has changed either of our minds. It is so hard, for both of us, to be on completely opposite pages about this.

A few months ago, after another failed attempt of each of us to change the others mind, and many tears on my part, I was praying for God to show us a way through this. For Him to help us make a good decision.

After several days of praying about this almost constantly, I finally heard an answer. It was NOT an answer that I liked. I continued to pray, and I continued to hear the same answer. I heard that I need to ask Brent to pray about it, and then to leave the decision between Brent and God. I questioned how this could be the right way to work out this situation.

Our preacher had, not very long before this, talked about how you can discern the voice of God in your life. One of the ways was that if it is truly God, it should be in line with His voice in scripture. As I asked if this was really God giving me an answer, it came to mind that scripture tells us that a wife should submit to the leadership of her husband. Yep, it lines up. I still didn't like it, but it seemed that this really was God giving me an answer.

So a couple of days later, I talked to Brent about it after the kids were asleep. I carefully explained ALL of my thoughts and feelings on the whole matter, and I sobbed as I told him about my answer from God, and that I am willing to completely give up my part in making the decision as long as he is willing to pray about it honestly. That he will be open to either outcome and that he will pray about what is best, not what is easiest. And I would not ask him about it or mention anything else about the decision. In essence, I gave up my chance at having things go my way that night as we talked.

It took Brent a while to give me an answer. He did not want to be open to any other outcome than the one he wants. Eventually he did agree to this arrangement, though. I still pray that Brent will change his mind, that the outcome will be what I want. But I also realize that it is very likely that it will not go my way. I also pray that if that is the case, that God will give me the strength to handle it gracefully, and that he will help me to not harbor any resentment.

I thought that it was all over for me after that. But I have found that it is not. Every day is a struggle for me. I want to try to influence Brent's decision. I want to talk about it. And every day, I have to again make the decision to leave this outcome at God's feet and to have nothing to do with it myself. And as it gets closer and closer to the end of the time that we agreed on, it is harder each day to make the decision to let it go again. I have a feeling that this is making me stronger, that my faith will be shaped as a result. But I still do not like letting go.

Torn

I woke up this morning to the news that Osama bin Laden is dead. And my heart is torn.

I am grateful that there is some sense of justice for the families of those who were killed because of this man. But that sense of justice will not bring back their loved ones.

I am grateful that the world may be little bit safer...but it will never be truly safe.

I am grateful that the world will no longer be subjected to the terrorism that bin Laden plans. But there will still be terrorism that others plan and carry out.

I am grateful that the evil that was perpetuated by this man did not go unpunished and will not go on...at least by him. I am concerned that events may escalate in retaliation by those who followed him and were in league with him.

I am grateful for the men and women who have put and will put their lives on the line to keep our freedoms and who continue to work and fight to keep the world safer.

But in spite of the justice of bin Laden's death, I am saddened. I am sad that there are people who go so far as bin Laden did. I am sad that there are people who refuse to know the Lord. I am sad that there are people who have never been told about the Lord. I find some relief that this man is dead, but I am also sad that he died not recognizing Christ as Lord.

As I read through my news feed on facebook, I understood the feelings expressed, but was also saddened. I was torn. Someone who perpetuated much evil is no longer alive. But he was also a person...he was also one of God's children, whether he acknowledged that or not. And in spite of the sense of relief that his reign of terror is over, I cannot find anything to rejoice about in his death. I am saddened to read of people having parties celebrating his death, and to see tasteless pictures (obviously edited) of his decapitated head being held up.

Death, however well deserved, even when necessary, is never something to rejoice in. By rejoicing in death, we give in to the hate as well. And once we give in to hate, how far are we from becoming the wicked ourselves?

I was grateful to see that there are some people who also feel the same way, and were willing to stand up and say so. Some of them drew my attention to Proverbs 24:17-18 "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him," and Ezekiel 33:11 "As surely as I live, declares the sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, o house of Israel?"

If God, who is perfect, does not rejoice in the death of a wicked person, how can I, who by no stretch of the imagination am anywhere close to perfect, then rejoice in that death? And if I do, am I then turning from God rather than trying to become like him?

Complacency

We live out in the country. When leaving our house, you drive on a gravel (well, the county calls it gravel, I call it dirt) road for a while, then drive down several small, twisty, narrow country roads to go anywhere. When we first moved here, I drove quite slowly down those roads, being very careful of the turns coming up and watching closely for any wildlife that might jump in front of us at any given moment. I noticed the other day, that I don't drive the same now as I did when we moved here. I drive faster than before. I still watch for animals, but probably not as carefully. I have become complacent.

I realized that complacency is not only a problem in my driving. It is a problem in my life overall.

When we lived in the metroplex, we attended a large church. It took several years and a lot of effort before we started developing relationships with anyone who wasn't very close to the same age as we were. Yes, the church really was that big...the membership there is close to the same size as the town we now live near. With such a large church, we had plenty of friends to hang out with, to eat with, to do life with. We didn't have to look outside our church to have relationships...and for the most part we didn't. We were close to our former next door neighbors...but all the rest of our "non-church" relationships...from our neighborhood, work and biking, were superficial. We said hi, we checked in, and would help out if needed, but we didn't really know each other. We saved the really knowing each other for a very few of our "church" relationships. We were complacent.

Now we live somewhere much smaller. Our church is much smaller. We have to seek relationships outside the church, as well as within, in order to meet our needs for relationships with others. And that's the way it should be. We cannot be ambassadors, we cannot be missionaries, we cannot show God's love to those who don't know it, if we never develop relationships outside the walls of our church building.

I started writing this nearly three months ago and just came back to it today, planning to finish it up in gratitude to God for bringing us to a place where we were forced out of our complacency. We have met some wonderful people and I have started developing new friendships at our church. I have been able to watch my daughter blossom as she becomes confident in the smaller size of our new church. I am still grateful.

But I also realized that I am becoming complacent again. No, I don't know very many people in our new town, and the ones I do know are all at our church, just like before. Yes, I feel lonely a lot. Yes, I want to meet more people, to make more friends, to feel like this is where I belong. But I am starting to get used to seeing only my family for days on end. I am starting to get used to the phone being silent. I am starting to get used to feeling lonely, and brushing it aside, saying that it doesn't matter.

I say that things will be better once our house is built and we move to town because then we will have neighbors close by and it will be easier to meet people and make new friends. But I wonder if that is really true. Maybe it is. Maybe things will be better. Maybe they won't, because maybe it's really about me and not about my circumstances at all.

I realize now that this is something that I need to change. I hope that in recognizing it, I can fight against my tendency toward complacency.

Freedom and Familiarity

Since we live in the country and have a yard the size of a park, that I can see from the living room window, the door and the kitchen window, we gave Samantha the freedom of being able to play outside without us...provided that she stayed between our house and Charles and Ginger's house and did not go into the woods at all. For a long time...several months, she followed that rule exactly. The she got familiar with her freedom and the environment and she started pushing the limits. In late January, she went to the edge of the woods at the far end of the field near our house. She was nowhere close to where she was supposed to be...and I wonder what would have happened if I had not come out to check on her exactly when I did. Would she have gone into the woods alone? Would she have gotten lost? She was grounded for a week from being allowed to be outside alone. Then with the cold weather and other things going on, it was actually two weeks before I gave her the chance to follow the rules again.

She and I were playing on the trampoline on a Sunday afternoon and as we played, we talked about her needing to follow the rules and to stay safe while she is outside. She said all the right things. She told me where she is allowed to play when she is by herself. She told me that she is not allowed to go into the trees. She said that she has to stay in front of our house, and that she must be where I can see her. So while I went inside to get ready for us to leave for our small group, I let her stay on the porch and play.

I came back out 5 minutes later and could not see her. I called her and she did not answer. I called louder. Still no answer. I yelled as loud as I could...and heard only silence. I walked to the end of the shop and looked at the field that she went to last time. I did not see her and I yelled her name. Nothing.

I began to get worried. I went back into the house and looked to see if she had come in while my back was turned. She was not there. I went back outside and felt myself starting to panic. I started to run to look for her and as I got around the back of our house, I saw her. Running along the back of the house, on the edge of a fairly steep slope that goes down into the woods.



I called her name, all three names, actually, and she turned around and immediately said "I'm sorry for hiding from you, Mommy," as she started walking toward me. I scooped her up and started scolding her. I told her that it is dangerous for her to be where I can't see her and that it is dangerous for her to go into the woods by herself because she could get lost and we wouldn't be able to find her.

By this time, we had reached the front of the house and Brent had come outside, too. I gave Samantha to him and told him that I couldn't deal with it right now. I took Jacob from him and went inside to finish getting ready to go. As soon as the door closed, I burst into sobbing. That's me, calm during a crisis, but as soon as it is over, I lose it.

Brent stayed outside with Samantha and talked to her for a long time about the dangers of going into the woods alone and of not staying in front of the house when she is alone. It did make a difference to her, because she had a nightmare that night about a snake biting her, but we learned later that it still wasn't enough to change her behavior.

She was grounded from being allowed to be outside by herself at all...until further notice. We told her that she will have to show that she can be trusted to follow directions.

So at the end of February, I decided to allow her a little freedom again, and to see if she would stay within the limits that were set. We were at Mom and Dad's office starting to work on the plans for our new house, and I let Samantha play outside alone. I got her tricycle out, told her that she had to stay on the road, and showed her the limits of where she could go on the road. Then I went back inside and watched her out the window.

Within 5 minutes, she went past her boundaries. I went outside and called her to come inside, and she ran away. Yes, she got in big trouble for that one. And she had to come back inside because she didn't follow the guideline we had set. She has not been allowed outside alone since then. Which really makes her unhappy, because she can no longer go outside while Jacob is taking a nap since I need to be inside to listen for him. She asks to go out and I tell her no, with a reminder that because she didn't follow the rules, I can't trust her to be outside alone right now. I tell her that she must show me that she can be trusted if she wants to earn this privilege back.

I have a hard time figuring out how to understand this behavior , how to handle this...how to train the defiance out of her. You see I am a rule follower. Even when I think the rule is ridiculous, even when I grumble about the rule, I follow it. Because it is, in fact, a rule and it completely goes against my nature to not follow a rule. Not because I am any "better" than anyone else, but because that is just how I am made. (I read once that about 25% of people are rule followers, the remaining 75% are those who push against the rules, so odds are, I will also be fighting this battle with Jacob in a few months to years.)

I thought some more and realized that she became familiar with the freedom she was given and lost respect for the boundaries that came with the freedom. She began to act as if her freedom was absolute.

As I think more about it, though, I realize that this is not only a problem for my child. Even with my rule following personality, I rebel against rules in my heart quite frequently...I just follow them outwardly. And really, is that much better?

I wonder if it always happens, that once a person is given freedoms, that person becomes familiar with those freedoms and then loses respect for them? We as a society have definitely done that our freedoms. For example, we have the privilege of voting for who will govern us, yet we willingly give away that freedom when we don't educate ourselves as to the candidates, and we don't even go to vote at all. We do not follow through with the responsibility that comes with the freedom.

As a Church we have freedom in Christ. But what do we do with it? We go to a congregation of other people who believe just like us. We socialize with people who believe just like us. We judge people who don't believe just like us. We don't get to know people who don't believe just like us because they will "probably be a negative influence." And we certainly don't form relationships with people who don't even believe in God, or who are angry with God, because those relationships might be "harmful" to us in our spiritual journey.

We usually neglect the responsibility we have to spread the good news of our freedom in Christ. We have become complacent in who and where we are and neglect the responsibility to grow, and love and share.

Those people who don't believe like us may have something to teach us. Those people who are angry with God may need to be shown his love. Those people who don't believe in him need to meet him, and they will only do that when they are shown who he is through being a part of the lives of believers. Not with expectations attached, but simply by being loved by Jesus followers just as Jesus would have loved them. And by seeing Jesus in action in our lives. We need to put ourselves in places where we can be used by God.

That is the responsibility that we are given along with the freedom of knowing that we will be with Jesus forever. When push comes to shove, are those of us who have had it easy going to throw away our freedom because we fail to follow through with our responsibility? Or will we suddenly rise to the occasion and find obedience and more freedom?

"Live as free men, but do not use your freedome as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king." 1 Peter 2:16-17

"But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does." James 1:25

"Speak and act as those hwo are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgement!" James 2:12-13

Luck or Divine Intervention?

When I was pregnant with Jacob, I started going into labor at 31.5 weeks. All the tests my doctor did pointed toward me having him in the next few weeks after that. I was terrified. I did not want another preemie. I did not want another NICU stay.

So I followed my doctor's instructions - complete bedrest for a few days. Then I progressed to sitting with my feet up almost all day. No lifting Samantha. No cooking. No housework. Beginning in the early evening, only laying down on the couch for the rest of the evening. I told my doctor that I WAS NOT having this baby until at least the beginning of December. He laughed at me. No way was I going to make it that long. We also asked everyone we knew to be praying for us. For the labor to not only not progress but stop. And for the baby to not be born until December.

When I went back to the doctor two weeks later, he was surprised to find that the labor had stopped. All but one of the signs that had pointed to an early delivery were gone. And the one that was left was tempered by another sign that pointed to delivery not being soon.

The doctor still didn't expect me to make it to December, but I did. In fact, I was not in labor the morning that I walked into the hospital to have Jacob at 39 weeks and one day.

Our conclusion from all of this was that I had overdone things the weekend before I went into early labor, and that the bedrest and modified activity afterward stopped it before it really got started. We thanked God, but it was just a general thank you. We never really considered that it was His intervention rather than my lack of activity that stopped the labor from progressing any further.

I just started thinking about this recently, and I wonder how often we do this? How often do I specifically ask God for something, then thank him offhandedly for granting that desire, and not really think about the fact that he did, in fact grant what I asked, but instead think it is more good fortune rather than God's work? It is amazing to really think about. The God of the universe, who created everyone and everything, takes the time not only to listen to me, but to frequently grant the desire of my heart. And you does the same for you and everyone else as well. And he keeps doing it even though I don't give him credit most of the time.

Wanted: Discussion

A while back, the preacher from our church in Dallas was preparing for a series on parenting and recommended several books. One of those books was "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. I got that book and read it.

The main tenet of the book is that we should be molding our children's hearts rather than their actions, to follow God and not the world.

Overall, I think it is a really good book. As with anything, there are parts that I wholeheartedly agree with, and parts that I disagree with. But there are also parts that I am not sure whether I agree or disagree. I have been thinking about this on my own for nearly a month now, and I still am not sure what my final thinkng on the matter will be.

I am hoping that someone out there will have read this book and want to discuss it with me. Or that someone will decide to go read it...and once again, want to discuss it with me. There are quite a few people I know of reading this blog whose opinions I respect and would really like to hear. There are probably some people who I don't know of reading this blog who have some valuable input to give.

We could do this any way you want...read the whole book and then talk about what you think. Read a chapter or section at a time and discuss...whatever works for you...as long as you talk to me about this one. So what do you say? Are you ready for a discussion?

A Year Ago Today

an amazing woman left this earth to be with Jesus, her 29 year battle with cancer finally finished.

A mutual friend introduced the following song to us as a dedication to Sheryl just a few days before her death. I still cry every time I hear it; but I am so grateful for the truth and hope of which this song also reminds us.

As the one year anniversary of Sheryl's death has approached, I have been thinking of her more and more. So many little things make me think of her each day. And every month when I celebrate one more month of my son, I miss one more month of my friend. I wish that she were here to celebrate each month with us. I wish that I could just call her and hear her sweet voice again. I wish that Mark didn't have to face another day without her...every single day. I wish that she and Mark had been able to grow old together. I wish that they could have watched "The Notebook" without being jealous of knowing that they would not have the opportunity to grow old together.

Sheryl was an amazing person. She was great at rejoicing with her friends. She was amazingly courageous. She had a great attitude. She had an incredible way of looking at things. She was always thinking about other people and taking care of them. She loved babies and children and longed for her own. But she was not bitter and was rarely discouraged. Instead she kept celebrating life and living it to the fullest. She always kept up her hope.

A couple nights ago, I was flipping through a couple of catalogs and found the following...one on a picture and one on a bracelet, each in two different catalogs. I saw several other things that spoke directly to me about Sheryl, but these were the best,so I decided to share them with you.

"Broken Chain"
We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our friendship chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

"What Cancer Cannot Do...It cannot invade the soul, suppress memories, kill friendship, destroy peace, conquer the spirit, shatter hope, cripple love, corrode faith, steal eternal life, silence courage."

I miss you, Sheryl. Mark, you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

I Do It Me-self

No! Me!

Me do it!

No do myself!

No! I do it!

We hear these phrases around our house all. the. time.

While we are glad to have Samantha growing and developing and learning, constantly hearing these phrases can get quite tiring. Our baby girl is most definitely asserting her independence. And that sometimes gets very frustrating. Like the other day when she wanted to put a bow in her hair.

She would not let me touch the bow at all to show her how it works. So I got a different bow to show her how to squeeze the clip part to open it. I told her that I would not touch her hair or the other bow, she just needed to watch to see how to do it. First she wouldn't look at me. The she threw her bow to the other side of the room rather than take a chance on me touching it.

Finally, after tears became involved because she couldn't get the bow in her hair, she watched me show her how to squeeze the clip so that she could put it in her hair. Then she worked on squeezing it open herself. She did get it in. It was barely hanging on to a couple strands of hair and it was very askew, but it was in her hair and she was so proud of herself.

Listening to her say "Me do it!" can be very frustrating for me. I want to help her. I want her to ask for help. I want to show her the way to get it done and then let her do it after she sees. But she just wants to do it herself without any guidance from me. And I just shake my head and let her do it. Sometimes I am exasperated. Sometimes I am amused. And I sit there and think "If you would just pay attention. If you would just let me show you. It would be so much easier for you." But she doesn't realize that and she struggles on.

I wonder if God feels the same way about all of us. If he shakes His head at our independence and stand alone attitude. If he gets exasperated when we try to do things our own way for the ten thousandth time. When we don't understand that if we would do things His way, we would have a much easier time. We would get things done faster. We would get it done right. But He never forces us. But I still wonder if He just shakes his head at us. At least I know He loves us anyway. And for that, I am truly thankful.

Taken Care of Through the Timing

Remember my post about perfect timing?

Well there's a bit to add to the story now.

You see, today Brent got a facebook message from one of his former co-workers. They just found out that corporate is closing their plant in 6 months.

Wow. We are amazingly, perfectly taken care of. Wow.

Brent was actually very worried about this possibility while I was pregnant with Jacob. And we had talked about that if they closed this plant, corporate might offer him a position in another plant. In Cincinnati. And even though we would not have liked to move there, he would have to accept that job. Because there was nothing else he could do.

We were prepared for that possibility of the plant closing. But it didn't happen. We were able to stay here and I was able to keep my doctor and have our son at the hospital I was planning on. Thank you, God.

And then Brent got his new job at a new company. And now the possibility we were prepared for has become a reality for the old company. But we were protected from that reality by the perfect timing. Thank you, God.

Even as I write this, I am thinking, though, that there are many others who are not in a good position now. Corporate may choose to offer to move some people to a different plant. But they will not even make offers to any of the hourly employees. I will be praying for them. That they will be able to find new jobs quickly. That they and their families will not go hungry. That they will not lose their homes. That they, too will be protected by God's perfect timing.

Won't you pray for them, too, please?

It's All About the Timing

Do you remember this post? It was nearly 2 years ago, and we were disappointed that a job we were sure Brent was about to get didn't happen.

In the middle of May that year, Samantha's first babysitter had to go back to work and we had to start looking for a new babysitter. We looked at me staying home and giving up the hope of another baby, but when we re-evaluated our budget, we realized that with the perpetual salary freeze at Brent's job, and prices of everything going sky-high, we could not make it on only Brent's salary. So he started job hunting.

He called a company in the town where his parents live and spoke to the general manager. The GM did not currently have any openings, but he was excited to hear from Brent. He has been considering creating a new position and thought that Brent would be just perfect for it. He just had to run it by the owner of the company and said that he would call back after the owner was back from vacation.

We were certain that this would happen. Brent's mom and sister started looking for houses for us one weekend. For that matter, Brent and I started looking as well. We just looked on the internet rather than in person. We were so excited about the possibility. No, actually, we didn't think it was a possibility...we were certain this was going to happen.

Then a few weeks later, we heard back. The owner said no. We were so incredibly disappointed. And we went on with our search for childcare for Samantha. She stayed with Lezley for a little while, then she stayed with our next door neighbor for most of the summer (until they moved away from us!) And then we found Mrs Nancy. And Samantha has been with her since August 2008...nearly 2 years. And Samantha loves Mrs. Nancy, and she loves her friends.

I kept on working, and since I was still working, we decided that we would go ahead and do the whole in vitro process again. We did still have the insurance to cover it (since it was through my job) and we really didn't want Samantha to grow up without at least one sibling. So in November 2008, I started seeing my RE again.

In March I did all the medications, egg harvesting, and embryo transfer. On April 10, 2009, Good Friday, we told Brent's family that we were having another baby. We told my family the next day. And Jacob was born on December 11, 2009.

Then at the beginning of this month, Brent woke me up, at 5am, by saying, "Christy, DB (the GM's initials) emailed me and wants me to call him." It is amazing how quickly, mere seconds is all it took, that we got our hopes up again. Brent called after work that afternoon and they set up an interview for 4/16/10.

Could it really happen this time? We were excited, yet still somewhat cautious. I was able to clear my schedule for that afternoon so we all left on Thursday evening to go spend the weekend with Brent's parents. The interview was at 9am. We (Mom, Dad and I) still hadn't heard from Brent at 11am, and we were saying things like "Surely it is good news that it is taking so long." We really wanted to hear, though!!

And Brent was offered the job. And it is just a little over the amount we had to have in order for me to stay home. And we are so grateful. I will get to stay home with my babies!

I realized the other day that if Brent had gotten this job 2 years ago, there would be no Jacob, because there is no infertility coverage in the new insurance. It's all about the timing. It is perfect.

And a little more of perfect timing. Brent's insurance ends on his last day of employment. Which is this Friday, April 30. My job only adds new coverage on the first of the month. So by getting everything turned in this week, we are able to transition the kids insurance coverage to begin May 1. That's right...there is NO GAP in their coverage at all.

Then, my insurance ends on the last day of the month in which I have worked any days. My last day of work is June 3, so we have coverage until June 30. And Brent's new insurance begins on July 1. Once again, there is NOT A SINGLE DAY of no insurance coverage. What incredible, perfect timing.

Learning to Wait

This is from a scrapbook page that I wrote in early 2006.

For as long as I can remember, I have known that I should be a mom someday. My picture of the future has always included a husband and children.

After college, it started to seem that my dream would never come true. I went for several years without even one date. That was a very hard time, at least in the beginning. However, those years were invaluable to me. It was during this time that I learned to grow as a person on my own. I found a way to serve God and be part of His family where I was and how I was. It wasn’t until after I was completely comfortable with this role that Brent and I started dating. When I wasn’t even looking for anything or anyone, God sent Brent to me.

After we had been married for about a year and a half, we decided to start trying to expand our family to include children. Remember, I had always wanted to be a mom, but after Benjamin stayed with us for the first time, I started telling people that I had found the job that I was created to be, and that was to be a mom. It has been nearly four years since we decided to try to have a baby. It has been a huge struggle to see, month after month, and year after year, that my prayers are not being answered. At least not in the way I wish them to be. It is also a struggle to not be jealous when I see so many people around me welcoming precious new babies into the word, but, somehow, I have still been able to rejoice with each one of them.

I thought that I had come to an acceptance of the possibility of never having children. After I had surgery in October 2005, though, I got my hopes very high very quickly, especially when so many people told me of their experiences and getting pregnant the month after surgery. My doctor is not so optimistic and does not think that I will get pregnant unless we do in vitro. Now I am facing the possibility of my never being a mother. Can I handle this if it is God’s answer? It is very hard for me to accept that thought. What I need to remember is that God can and will use me wherever I am, and that I need to be able to say that where I am is enough as long as He is with me. I’m not there yet. I can accept that I may never have children, but I can’t say that is enough for me. It still feels like there is something missing.

In trying to comfort me on Christmas day, when I had just found out that I was not pregnant, again, someone told me that even if I don’t have children of my own, I will always have children around me. That did not help at all at the time. Since then, however, I have found myself thinking about that statement more. Maybe she was right. I do have the blessing of nephews and nieces and my friends’ children in my life. I have to decide to work with and be thankful for what I do have rather than wishing for what I don’t have. I have to allow God to be ENOUGH to fill me completely and then I will be complete. Then I will have learned how to wait on the Lord.


Some things have changed since this was written, but I still need the reminder to allow God to fill me and to wait on Him.

Blessings

Life hasn’t always gone according to my plan. Scratch that. Life has rarely gone according to my plan. But most of the time, if I sit back and relax and wait, I end up enjoying the ride. At the very least, I learn something from it.

I married much later in life than I had planned. But my husband was definitely worth the wait. I am blessed by his being my partner. But even if I had never met him, and never married at all, I was also blessed by the time I had before him to grow and mature on my own.

We struggled with infertility for years. I was blessed to have friends who had faced similar struggles and who helped me through the cycle of grief, and hope, and anger, and despair and grief again, month after month. I was also blessed to have time with my husband, for us to have the time to do things together and enjoy each other’s company without a million other things distracting us every day.

I was blessed to have insurance that helped pay for the cost of in vitro so that we were finally able to have a baby girl in January 2008. I am blessed by her presence in my life every day. Even when I am ready to strangle her. Then I was blessed by the birth of our son in December 2009.

I am blessed to have a job. One in a field that gives me job stability and security when my husband’s field is neither.

There are blessings in my life every day. Sometimes I just forget to watch for them.

I whine about having to work and be away from my kids, and I forget that having the ability to work is a blessing and that having a job when many do not is also a blessing. I lose my patience with my daughter’s whining or her independent streak that says “Me do it!” And at that moment I forget to be thankful for the blessing of my children, for how happy they are and for the incredible lessons they teach me. I forget that my daughter’s exasperating ways are a sign of her independent spirit and her security in our love.

I whine about not having time to myself or to do fun things for myself, (I am typing this as I pump. Lately my pump time seems to be my writing time and my “me time” for the most part) but I forget to be grateful for the blessing of dishes to wash which means that we have food to eat, and clothes to wash which means that we have clothes to wear, and medical bills which mean that we have good medical care. I forget to be grateful that the things that ail my family are things that can be treated.

I whine about having to follow a strict diet for my son’s sake and forget to be grateful for the blessing of being able to breastfeed this baby. And I forget to be grateful for the fact that I live in a place where I (or actually my sweet husband) can find alternatives to the foods I have to give up.

So today, I am focusing on what I usually forget. I am thanking God for the trials and the blessings and the lessons. And I will try to remember that no matter what, whether I can see it or not, there will be a blessing in the journey.

Who I Am

I made this scrapbook page several years ago and felt like sharing it today. It almost all still applies except that now, rather than hoping to be a mom, I am a mom :)

In case you can't read it on the picture, here is the text:

When someone says, "Tell me about yourself." What do I say? How do I convey who I really am?

I can tell you what I do: I am a juvenile probation officer, a scrapper, a stamper, a gardener, a crafter.

But that doesn't really tell what is inside me or what is important to me.

I can tell you about my relationships and my dreams:
I am a daughter, sister, grandaughter, niece, wife, auntie and friend.
I hope to become a mom, to live in a smaller city, to make a difference in my world.

That comes closer, but it still doesn't tell it all, the deep core of me.

Who I really am is: I am a daughter of the King. I am a Christian. I am who God created me to be.

That is really who I am.

The Wrong Way

This story popped up when I went to check my e-mail this morning and it just breaks my heart. Abortion breaks my heart to begin with. But twisting the testament of God's will for his people breaks my heart even more.

I know it isn't the first time that someone has said that they were doing God's work by killing someone who performs abortions. But where do they get the idea that this is what God wants? The shooter is no different than any other terrorist, killing people they don't agree with.

I'm not saying that I agree with abortion. In fact, that is the one thing that I agree with the shooter on. Abortion is killing babies. It is wrong. But it is not my place, or any other person's place to execute "God's judgement." (Luke 6:36-37 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge and you will not be judged, do not condemn and you will not be condemned, pardon and you will be pardoned.)

It is my job to spread God's love and his Word. (John 16:15 And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the Gospel to all creation.")

Didn't God give each person free will so that they could come to Him out of their own choice to follow Him or not? Did Jesus ever advocate harming another person? Or did He instead love everyone and ask them to love others?

I'm not saying that we should let sin go unaddressed. Jesus certainly didn't. But he did confront others in love, not in hate, and His are the footsteps we are to follow. The Bible gives us examples of how to confront sin in love. One is by Jesus, Himself.

John 8 tells us of the woman caught in adultery by the scribes and Pharisees. The law of Moses commanded that she be stoned, but when the scribes and Pharisees brought her to Jesus he said "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone." (v 7) When they all left without stoning her, Jesus told her "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (v11)

We are all sinners (Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.) So if we condemn and hate every sinner, we must also hate ourselves and condemn ourselves or be hypocrites. We must confront the sin in love, hating the sin but not the sinner. Show the LOVE that God has for all his creation. Show the love that God IS. (1 John 4:7-8 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and everyone who loves in born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. Romans 13: 9-10 ...if there is any other commandment it is summed up in this saying, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no wrong to a neighbor, love therefore is the fulfillment of the law.")

In doing so, perhaps the sinner will be brought to the feet of Jesus. But killing the sinner is not love. And now that doctor, who might someday have been led to the Truth through love, will never have that chance. What a heavy burden to bear, knowing that one's direct action prevented another person from ever having the chance to turn to Jesus.

I sincerely pray that this man, the shooter, will come to realize the TRUTH, and to truly love and follow Jesus. I pray that others do not follow his false doctrine. And I pray that those he has injured are able to show him the mercy and forgiveness that he was unable to find for others. Perhaps then he will come to know the TRUTH.

I read this post today.

You should read it, too.

Angie could so easily be describing my life. I recognize what I am doing wrong. I say I am going to change it. I change a little. And then I let it creep back in rather than rooting it all out.

So much to think about. So much to work on.

Thankful

I said awhile back that I was going to better at being thankful everyday. Well, I noticed that I haven't been focused on following through, so today I am writing a few things that I am thankful for...and maybe I will do this most days until it is truly a habit...I will try at least

Today I am thankful
--that I get to hear the new baby's heartbeat tomorrow (even if I have to drink nasty sugar stuff first)
--that the doctor's office said we can use Vick's Vapo Rub on Samantha and she slept much better last night
--that I have had and do have a job while Brent's work hours have been cut back
--that the mornings have been so cool and lovely
--that I have a wonderful family

Softly and Tenderly

"Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me. See on the portals He's waiting and watching, watching for you and for me. Come home, come home, you who are weary come home. Earnestly, tenderly Jesus is calling, calling oh sinner, come home."

I was thinking of this song and writing this blog entry in my head last night after we put Samantha to bed. I was going to write it this morning, talking about how gentle and tender Mark is with Sheryl and how Jesus will be calling Sheryl home very soon. When I got up this morning, I found out that at the very time I was thinking of this song, Jesus was in fact, calling Sheryl home.

I was able to visit with Sheryl on Saturday afternoon. She was very tired from a day of nearly endless visitors, but she was so glad to see everyone. It was a good day. She was still quite worn out on Sunday, but was doing pretty well, still talking to her visitors and remaining awake most of the day. On Sunday, it was decided that visiotrs should come in the morning mostly, which was her most energetic time, so she could rest in the afternoon.

On Monday I had the day off work for my last day of vacation. I always plan an extra day off so that I can catch up on things and rest a bit before going back to work. I am so grateful for that planning, especially now! I dropped Samantha off at the babysitter and went to the grocery store for a few things, including a meal for Mark for that night.

I called Mark as I was leaving the house and he told me that Sheryl had not woken up yet and the ministers were on their way over. He said that it would not be a good time for visitors. He said that the end was near. I told him that I would just drop off the food and then leave, but when I arrived, Robert Stolte was with them, and there was no one else at the house. I offered to stay to answer the phone and the door so that Mark could stay with Sheryl and Robert, and he accepted that offer. Gordon arrived not too long after that and then Lezley came in. Just as Lezley arrived, Sheryl woke up.

Gordon asked to pray over her and Sheryl agreed by saying "Absolutely." Jennifer Kimball also came and together with Robert, we tried to get the flat fixed on Mark's truck, but found that the battery was dead. Robert went home to change clothes and then came back and took care of the battery. He worked hard out in the heat to take care of the things that needed to be done. It was wonderful to see him and all the other poeple who came and served as the hands and feet of Jesus throughout the day.

We made lunch and made muffins for breakfast the next morning. We sat with Sheryl and spoke to Mark about how they met and many other things. Melinda Leverette came and read scripture over Sheryl while Mark took a short nap. Susan Griffith and Deborah Green also came and sat with her. Sheryl woke up a few times through the day for a few minutes each time. She knew who each person was but she was not making much sense other than speaking our names. She always responded to Mark even when her eyes were not open and she wasn't saying anything. It was obvious throughout the day that his touch and his voice made a difference to her.

It was such a privilege to see this man take such sweet, gentle, tender care of his wife. The love between them was so obvious that it would bring tears to your eyes. Susan said that this is really what "in sickness and health, til death do us part" is all about, and that Mark shows such strength in that committment. She was absolutely right. I don't think that when we speak them, any of us really think about what those words will mean in the end, but it was brought home to me in the last few days. I hope and pray that I will never be faced with a situation similar to Mark and Sheryl's. But if I am, I hope that I will be able to use Mark's example in living my life with compassion, love and strength.

I was blessed to be with them for the entire day. I am so glad that I had the day off work and that I was able to take Samantha to the babysitter that morning. Even though Sheryl was not able to talk to me, I am glad to have had the day to sit with her, to keep watch over her while she slept, and to be able to do small things to help her husband.

I never imagined that I would be keeping watch over a dying friend, so I never imagined what it would be like. I was surprised by my feelings and by the day, though. We cried, as I expected. But we also laughed and had peaceful quiet times. I was afraid to be there before I went, but I left being grateful for having the opportunity and blessing to be there all day.

I never did ask Sheryl to love on my babies in heaven, but while Mark and I were sitting alone with Sheryl in the evening, I told him that I have 19 babies in heaven that Sheryl will need to love on for me til I get there. He said that she will love that.

Before I left for the evening, I leaned over and gave Sheryl a kiss, whispered that I love her and I will see her again someday. I hadn't planned that, I was planning to come back the next evening, I didn't think there was a reason to say goodbye quite yet. But apparently God took care of me and and nudged me to do so. I am thankful.

I had to work yesterday, but I called Mark when I got home. He said that there had not really been any change during the day. Sheryl was not responding and her pulse was not good. He said that she did wake up and repsond that morning when Gordon was there having a prayer service and annointing her with oil. That was the last time she responded to anything. He told me that Lezley was going to heat up food for dinner, so they were taken care of for the evening. I told him that I would call again tomorrow after work.

This morning when I checked my e-mail, Lezley had written that at 7:20 last night Sheryl's breathing had changed and by 7:30 she was gone. Jesus was calling her home while He gave me thoughts of His calling her.

I still find it hard to believe. Sheryl was so dynamic and loving, vibrant and alive. It is hard to imagine this world without her. She touched so many people with her love and sweet spirit. She will be missed. She will never be forgotten.

We all love you, Sheryl. I look forward to our reunion in heaven.

What do you say?

I am going to visit a friend today...and it will most likely be the last time I ever see her on this earth. She has been battling cancer for nearly 30 years and is now in Hospice care. She is not expected to live beyond the week.

What do I say? What do we talk about? Do I act as if nothing is any different, or do we talk about heaven? Do I tell her that I wish she was going to be here to help us welcome our new baby? Do I ask her to love on my babies in heaven until I meet up with all of them and her again? Or do I just talk about what is going on now and tell her that she can beat this again as she has done so many times in the past? Do I try to offer comfort, or just tell her that I love her and will never forget her? Do I allow myself to cry, or do I fight to hold it in? What is best for her? That is what it all comes down to. And I have no idea what the answer is.

I've never had someone close to me die this way, at least not since I was a kid. And it was never someone my age. I am lost and don't know what to do. And I don't have very long to figure it out. I am brokenhearted and afraid.