The End...The Beginning

I started this on Friday, which was my last day in the office. I didn't get much written, though, so I am sharing it with you today...on my last official day of work.

I am unofficially done at my job. My keys and badge are turned in, and I have clocked out for the last time. My office is cleaned of my personal belongings. I will not be going there again unless it is to visit. Today is my last official day of my job...tomorrow I will no longer be a Denton County employee.

I was surprised that when I signed my separation form several weeks ago, I got a bit teary. And then when I drove back from Denton last week, after turning in my keys and my badge, I flat out cried for a third of the drive. And when I went around my buidling saying goodbye to my co-workers I was crying even more.

I've said before that I just don't do well with change. That is still true. Even changes that I am looking forward to. It takes me a while to adjust. And I will miss seeing all those people that I have been working with for the last nine years. That's a long time...about a fourth of my life, actually.

This is the end. The end of hearing horror stories about things that happen that we deal with. The end of having those horror stories to share. The end of forcing myself to keep going when I am overwhelmed and need a vacation. The end of saying over and over that I am here to try to make a difference. The end of having a potentially huge impact that I have had just by the nature of working with so many kids and families. This is the end.

But it is also the beginning. The beginning of being the main influence in my own children's lives. The beginning of being with them every day and being the guardian of what they are exposed to. The beginning of being their teacher every day. (No I'm not talking about homeschooling, they are only 2.5 and 6 months!) The beginning of being able to share all of their discoveries and triumphs just by the nature of spending so much time with them. The beginning of being a mom the way I have always wanted to. At home with my children. This is a new beginning.

Change

Here it is almost 7am on Saturday morning and Jacob and I are the only people awake in the house. I am still trying to convince Jacob that he needs to go back to sleep. He isn't paying attention. I have been awake since 5:30. On a Saturday. When my alarm did not go off because it is not a work day. And Jacob wasn't even awake yet.

I made the mistake of taking him out of his bed at 6:15 when he was still asleep. To nurse. Because I didn't want to pump. And I desperately needed to either nurse him or pump. But now he isn't going back to sleep. And neither am I. And honestly, I doubt I would be able to fall back asleep at this point anyway. Even though I am exhausted from the last two weeks, and all I can think about lately is getting more sleep. But my body is used to getting up early and just going. So that's what I do. Even on Saturday, apparently.

So here I am, watching Jacob, who is intently watching his hands as he learns how to pick things up more deliberately and more gracefully.

And I am thinking. Change is hard.

Not just the big changes, but also the little ones. Like getting up at 5:30 in the morning, even when you don't have to.

Not just the bad changes, but also the good changes. Changes like moving to a smaller town and staying home with my kids. (Really, are you even a little bit surprised that I would write about our move? It is, after all, what I am attempting to come to terms with right now.)

I've already talked some about the adjustments we will be making in adapting to small town life. I expected that. What I didn't expect was how I would feel as I get closer and closer to my last day of work.

I expected pure joy. No looking back. But what I am finding is a sense of unease along with the excitement. Yes, I will be staying home with my kids. And yes, that is what I have always wanted. And yes, that is definitely what I still want.

But I have been at this one job for 9 years. And I can't remember for sure the last time I didn't have a job. (The first 9 months of my marriage doesn't count, because I was actually looking for a job then. This time I have no intention of going back to working away from home...at least not for a very long time!)

My first inkling that this would be a difficult transition came when I completed my separation paperwork for my job. When I wrote the date of my last day and signed my name, I suddenly felt a bit teary. I was very surprised.

But it was still a date in the distant future. Now, seemingly all of a sudden, I am down to my last 8 days at work. And I both anticipate the last day more and feel more anxious about it. What a strange dichotomy of feelings. To want it so badly and then wonder if I really be able to handle it all.

In thinking about why I feel this way...I told my friend that it feels like I am getting ready to amputate part of my life. It feels so strange. I am having a hard time imagining not doing this job. If I were staying home and we were not moving, I would still go to visit my co-workers occasionally, and I am sure that I would hear stories about the kids with whom we work. But since we will be 2.5 hours away, that won't be happening. So there will not be any gradual adjustment. It will just be BAM here is your new life, without really having a transition.

Maybe that's what my anxiety is really about. Not WHAT the change actually is, but the fact that it will be sudden. I'm not usually a jump-in-the-water-all-the-way-to-get-used-to-it-faster kind of girl. Instead, I usually like to adjust slowly. But this time, there is only jumping in all at once...headfirst.

Let's Just Be Honest

{Background: For those of you who don't know me IRL, I work with teens. The goal of my job is for these teens to become responsible, reliable members of society...now on to the story.}

So the other day one of my kids came in to his appointment. 45 minutes late. He did call me 5 minutes before his appointment was scheduled and tell me that he was just leaving school and was walking to my office, so he would be late.

50 minutes later, he arrived. And he REALLY REEKED of cigarette smoke. I told him that he should not be smoking at all, and that it is particularly a bad idea to smoke just before an appointment with me. It is, after all, against the law, and if I caught him with cigarettes, I would be calling the police.

This is what he told me. "Well, my mom smokes, so I always smell like smoke." He is 17 years old. ANd he actually expected me to believe that this is why he smelled VERY strongly of cigarette smoke. When he has been at school since 8am. And it is now 4:15pm. And he just spent 45 minutes walking, outside, in lots of fresh air to get to my office. I stared at him in disbelief for a second.

DO you REALLY expect me to believe that your mom is why you smell so strongly of smoke right now?! I am betting that he was probably smoking right outside my building!

What I told him was that he doesn't have to admit to anything to me. That is, after all his right. However, it would be a whole lot better if he simply said nothing rather than flat out lying to me and expecting me to believe him. That he completely destroys any credibility with me when he lies to me. And that he should really be careful of destroying all credibility with me.

He just looked at me. Which I understand. After all, he really couldn't say anything else at that point without incriminating himself. But I also wonder if I got through to him even a little bit. I hope so.

That is, after all, why I have this job. But I'm not holding my breath. Because I have learned that holding my breath while waiting for a change can be dangerous to my well-being. I can offer reasons to change. I can offer ways to change. But ultimately, each kid has to make their own decision to change. And it often takes a very long time for them to come to that decision.

Beginning again...

I am smack dab in the middle of my first week back at work (I started on Tuesday, so this is day 3 of 4) since having Jacob. And today is my first day of tears. I think it's just because I am more tired after working a couple of days...and not having any down time during the day. I miss my kids. I miss my home. I miss being home when Brent comes in the door and Samantha runs excitedly yelling "Daddy home!" I even miss dishes and laundry and the mess that Samantha makes while eating lunch and toys all over the house...oh wait, she makes a mess during dinner and there are still toys all over the house ;)

I know, I'm being a little whiny today...or maybe a lot whiny today. I have been here before, and I know that it will get better. I know that we will find a new normal. And then when we become accustomed to the new normal, there will be more changes. And we will adapt to those. And every day won't be hard. But right now it is.

So for right now, I am reminding myself of the positives. Samnatha LOVES Mrs. Nancy and is excited to go to her house every day. She doesn't even fuss at all when I leave for work. Nancy loves the children in her care and keeps them all in her prayers. Nancy lives close to us, so it doesn't take long to get the kids after work. I work close to home, so there is a lot less time I am away from the kids most days. I am grateful for a good childcare situation where Samantha has friends close to her age and has children older and younger. And Jacob has a lot of big girls who are all excited to see "the baby" every day.


We will have other new beginnings in our lives...some will be happy and some will be sad. They will all be something different and they will all require us to adapt. So I will keep trying to adapt quickly. And I will remember to keep looking for the positives.

Whine alert

If the title wasn't enough, this is your final warning. If you don't like whining, don't read any further.

I am tired.

I'm tired of saying goodbye to my baby every morning. I'm tired of not knowing what she ate for the day until I look to see what the babysitter wrote down. I'm tired of having to look back over the week each Saturday to see what her schedule should be like for the weekend. I'm tired of having to make choices in the evenings of doing laundry and dishes or spending a little time with my daughter between her dinner and her bedtime. I'm tired of choosing between housework and sleep. I'm tired of feeling guilty on the rare occasions that I take a nap on the weekend because I should be doing housework while the baby sleeps. I'm tired of wondering if I am going to miss seeing the first time she crawls or pulls up on the furniture.
I never planned to go back to work after having a baby. Brent didn't want me to go back to work. We both want me to be home with Samantha, but life isn't working out that way...and I hate it. I have no idea how so many women do this and have everything all together. I feel like I am slowly being sapped of everything. I don't give enough to my job because I don't have the energy and I don't want to be here. I don't give enough at home because I am exhausted and there is so much to do that I am just completely overwhelmed. I'm tired of trying to keep up a good face on everything. I'm tired of blowing little things out of proportion because I just can't handle another thing.

I am tired.