Taken Care of Through the Timing

Remember my post about perfect timing?

Well there's a bit to add to the story now.

You see, today Brent got a facebook message from one of his former co-workers. They just found out that corporate is closing their plant in 6 months.

Wow. We are amazingly, perfectly taken care of. Wow.

Brent was actually very worried about this possibility while I was pregnant with Jacob. And we had talked about that if they closed this plant, corporate might offer him a position in another plant. In Cincinnati. And even though we would not have liked to move there, he would have to accept that job. Because there was nothing else he could do.

We were prepared for that possibility of the plant closing. But it didn't happen. We were able to stay here and I was able to keep my doctor and have our son at the hospital I was planning on. Thank you, God.

And then Brent got his new job at a new company. And now the possibility we were prepared for has become a reality for the old company. But we were protected from that reality by the perfect timing. Thank you, God.

Even as I write this, I am thinking, though, that there are many others who are not in a good position now. Corporate may choose to offer to move some people to a different plant. But they will not even make offers to any of the hourly employees. I will be praying for them. That they will be able to find new jobs quickly. That they and their families will not go hungry. That they will not lose their homes. That they, too will be protected by God's perfect timing.

Won't you pray for them, too, please?

Friday Family Photos

I just love alliteration, don't you? I wonder though, is it still alliteration if it's the same sound, but not the same letter?

Anyway, I'm tired this morning...so I don't have much to say. That being the case, I thought I would share some old family photos with you. Can you guess who is in each picture? I will share the answers later with an update at the bottom of THIS POST (the caps were for you, Mom. There won't be a different post with the information, it will be on this same post...although, you will already know the answers, anyway)

Hmm...I just decided that I will make this a contest. I will send a small pack of handstamped cards to the person who gets the most answers correct, or the first person to get them all right. So leave me a comment with your guesses. For the people who don't know all of my family, I will give you some names to be a little more fair. Kathy (my sister), Steven (my brother), Beth (cousin), Robert (cousin), me (Christy). You have until Monday (5/31/10) evening at 9:00pm CDT to make your guesses.












****Update****
The answers are: #1 - Christy, Steven and Kathy; #2 - Christy and Steven; #3 - Kathy; #4 - Steven and Kathy; #5 Christy and Beth

So NatCh, being the only guesser and correctly guessing 80%, wins the prize. I will be sending you your handmade cards later this week. :)

And Staci - I COMPLETELY agree! I saw that picture, immediately though of Samantha and it inspired me to look for more pictures to share for this post. :)

My letter to Stampin' Up!

Dear Stampin’ Up!,

I am so unhappy with you right now. I don’t really even know how to express exactly how much. The most accurate thing I can say is that I feel betrayed.

A few years ago, when you redid the core colors, you said that would be it. That you would keep these colors and you would have the in-colors changing each year for trendiness, but that the core would remain the same. I was a demonstrator at that time and I trusted you to keep your word. I invested in ink pads in all of the core colors. I pushed myself to use colors that didn’t particularly appeal to me and found that I started to like them in new ways.

And now you have gone back on your word. You are eliminating thirty of those colors that I invested in. That is thirty colors that you told me you would keep, that will no longer be available. That is a lot of money that was spent on something that will no longer be useful. Or if I want to continue to use that investment in the future, I have to buy refills NOW. And it means that I won’t be able to match my ink to my cardstock once I run out of cardstock.

I don’t think that changing your core colors every few years is a good idea. I know that if I remain a customer, I will be unlikely to buy any colors that I don’t already absolutely love. I would be too worried that I would be unable to use it in a year or two. Or that I wouldn’t have time to grow to love it before it becomes unavailable. But at least this time you are being up front about this plan.

Yes, I am disappointed that some of my favorite colors will no longer be available. I have been disappointed over things retiring before, and I have gotten over that. That is not nearly as important as the fact that I feel I cannot trust you to keep your word.

Since the last color renovation, life interrupted and I am not currently a demonstrator. I did plan to become a demonstrator again in the future, but now I doubt that I will do so. Because I must be able to trust a company that I am going to represent. I’m not even sure that I will remain a Stampin’ Up! customer at this point.

Sincerely,
Christy

Hurt Feelings

Maddie and Samantha apparently have a true sibling type relationship...even though they aren't related. They love each other one second and push each other's buttons the next.

Normally, Samantha tends to be the one in a bad mood in the morning. Particularly when I have to wake her up because she didn't wake up on her own. The other morning Maddie was the one in a bad mood.

While I was in the entry with Nancy, Samantha came running out, crying. I asked what was wrong and she told me that Maddie pushed her. I asked if she was hurt and she said no. So I started working with her on expressing her feelings with words rather than crying. I told her that rather than coming crying to me, she should ask Maddie to stop please because she doesn't want to be pushed. She said OK still with a little cry in her voice.

A few minutes later, Maddie came across the room from where she was rocking, pushed Samantha and then walked back to the rocking chair. All for no reason that I could discern.

Of course, Samantha started crying. She wasn't hurt. She just didn't want to be pushed. After crawling into my lap for some hugs and a reminder from me, she actually did do a good job of telling Maddie "You hurt mine feelings. Stop please." without too much whine in her voice.

Then a few seconds later while Maddie was sitting in time out, Samantha wanted to play with her...go figure. I am glad, though, that she forgives quickly.

And I hope that she is learning that it isn't fun when your friends are mean to you, so that perhaps she herself will be nicer to her friends all the time.

A teenager in a toddler's body

Last night, I decided that is who I have living in my house. Here's the story:

Brent's mom is here helping with painting and other things to get our house ready to sell. We got Samantha into bed and then I went into the bathroom. Samantha came to the gate in her doorway and started saying something to me...I don't remember what anymore and it doesn't really matter to the rest of the story.

I told her that I am in the bathroom and she needs to get back in bed. She said something else. Memaw told her that I was in the bathroom, she needed to get back in bed, and that I would come to her once I was out of the bathroom.

Samantha said either "You not talking me" or "I not talking me", I can't remember which. Either way, I was shocked. Surely I didn't hear what I thought I just heard. I asked her what she just said and she told me "I not talking her."

It's a good thing I was still in the bathroom, because it gave me a moment to take a breath and handle this calmly. Seriously...my TWO year old just told her Memaw that she isn't talking to her rather than obeying the instruction she was given?!

Where did she learn such sass and disrespect? To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. As soon as I got out of the bathroom, I went to Samantha's room and talked to her about this. I told her that she was very rude to Memaw. That she was disrespectful. That what she said was NOT good manners. I also told her that she must obey Memaw, just like she must obey Mommy and Daddy. I told her that she needed to apologize to Memaw.

She went over to Memaw and just squatted down in front of her. Then I realized she probably doesn't know what the word apologize means, so I told her to tell Memaw she is sorry. Which she did immediately without any more prodding. So I think she understands now that she cannot say things like that.

I wonder, though, did she realize what her words meant? She used them in context, so I tend to think so. But at the same time, did she intend to be disrespectful? Or was she just repeating something that she heard on TV? (man oh man, one of the things that I am MOST looking forward to about being home is to be able to know EXACTLY what she sees on TV...and to drastically reduce the amount she is allowed to watch.) Did she just think that by saying that she was telling Memaw that she wants her Mommy? Or did she really mean it disrespectfully?

I am SOOO hoping...but NOT holding my breath about it...that she was just repeating something she heard and didn't intend the disrespect. Because if she knew exactly what she was saying, we may have an even rockier and longer road ahead of us than I had previously imagined.

What do you think?

Has your child ever said something like that, at a much earlier age than you would have expected, and made you wonder if they knew what they were saying?

How would you handle it?

Needing

Yesterday was not a fun day...in fact I am still feeling a little bit of the after-affects this morning. I got sick yesterday. Really sick. With a stomach bug. I came home from work and spent pretty much the entire afternoon in the bathroom. And as it got closer and closer to 5pm, I started crying. A little bit because I was so sick of being sick, but even more because I was extremely worried about how I was going to manage to take care of my children for the evening if this kept up. How do you single moms do it? I am amazed by you. I didn't realize how tenuous a thread I was holding on by until now.

I called Brent crying, but knowing that he couldn't do anything. He is 2.5 hours away. He did tell me that I should go ask our neighbors for help. And I was so broken down by this point, that I didn't resist the idea at all. Samantha, Jacob and I all walked down the block, and as I almost started crying again, I asked Kathy to come help me with Samantha. She immediately said yes, she would be down to our house in just a few minutes.

So she came, and stayed for more than an hour and a half. She helped Samantha eat her dinner and get cleaned up. She held Jacob when he was crying and I had to run to the bathroom yet again. She paid attention to the water boiling on the stove to make bullion for me, so that I could have something more than water in my stomach. She got Samantha dressed in her jammies while I changed Jacob's diaper and she held Samantha and read stories to her while I was otherwise occupied again. Then before she left, she told me that if I need anything else, to be sure to call her, because that is why they are here.

Normally I feel humbled when I have to ask for help. Not so much yesterday. I just felt desperate...and grateful and relieved.

I wonder why we have to get to that point to ask for help? Are we so independent that we think we have to do everything ourselves? Or are we so arrogant that we think we are above receiving help, that getting help is for the weak? It is kind of humbling to think about. We are willing to give help, but not to receive it.

I tell my kids at work, almost daily, that they should ask for help. That it is actually a strength to be able to admit that you need help and ask for it. Yet, I struggle with doing so myself.

No person (or family) is an island. We are given friends and fellowship to share our joy and help with our troubles. So why are we so reluctant to use these gifts and to allow someone else the opportunity to be needed and to help?

Not Me Monday - Baby, Toddler and Mommy

I did not do a Wordless Wednesday post...on Tuesday morning. Thankfully I DID realize it was Tuesday before I hit publish and then simply saved the post for Wednesday morning.

I did not skip a bath with my visibly dirty toddler and simply wipe her down with baby wipes in order to get her into bed a little less late.

And I did not look at my baby on the floor...several feet away from where I put him...and wonder how he got over there. Did he scoot, roll, or (gasp!) crawl (for the first time) without me seeing him? No way...I pay much more attention that that.

And as a little sidenote, he IS very close to crawling. Last night (5/23/10) he did get up on all fours and rock back and forth for a moment before he was too worn out to continue. Maybe he will do it again tonight and then I can get a picture for you :)

Finally, I did not skip a nap for me and choose to work on packing when BOTH of my children were sleeping AT THE SAME TIME yesterday afternoon for over two hours! (Samantha's nap was actually 3.5 hours and she only got up when she did because Brent woke her up a little after 4 so that he could tell her he was leaving.)

Head on over to MckMama's blog to see what everyone else has NOT been up to this week.

Change

Here it is almost 7am on Saturday morning and Jacob and I are the only people awake in the house. I am still trying to convince Jacob that he needs to go back to sleep. He isn't paying attention. I have been awake since 5:30. On a Saturday. When my alarm did not go off because it is not a work day. And Jacob wasn't even awake yet.

I made the mistake of taking him out of his bed at 6:15 when he was still asleep. To nurse. Because I didn't want to pump. And I desperately needed to either nurse him or pump. But now he isn't going back to sleep. And neither am I. And honestly, I doubt I would be able to fall back asleep at this point anyway. Even though I am exhausted from the last two weeks, and all I can think about lately is getting more sleep. But my body is used to getting up early and just going. So that's what I do. Even on Saturday, apparently.

So here I am, watching Jacob, who is intently watching his hands as he learns how to pick things up more deliberately and more gracefully.

And I am thinking. Change is hard.

Not just the big changes, but also the little ones. Like getting up at 5:30 in the morning, even when you don't have to.

Not just the bad changes, but also the good changes. Changes like moving to a smaller town and staying home with my kids. (Really, are you even a little bit surprised that I would write about our move? It is, after all, what I am attempting to come to terms with right now.)

I've already talked some about the adjustments we will be making in adapting to small town life. I expected that. What I didn't expect was how I would feel as I get closer and closer to my last day of work.

I expected pure joy. No looking back. But what I am finding is a sense of unease along with the excitement. Yes, I will be staying home with my kids. And yes, that is what I have always wanted. And yes, that is definitely what I still want.

But I have been at this one job for 9 years. And I can't remember for sure the last time I didn't have a job. (The first 9 months of my marriage doesn't count, because I was actually looking for a job then. This time I have no intention of going back to working away from home...at least not for a very long time!)

My first inkling that this would be a difficult transition came when I completed my separation paperwork for my job. When I wrote the date of my last day and signed my name, I suddenly felt a bit teary. I was very surprised.

But it was still a date in the distant future. Now, seemingly all of a sudden, I am down to my last 8 days at work. And I both anticipate the last day more and feel more anxious about it. What a strange dichotomy of feelings. To want it so badly and then wonder if I really be able to handle it all.

In thinking about why I feel this way...I told my friend that it feels like I am getting ready to amputate part of my life. It feels so strange. I am having a hard time imagining not doing this job. If I were staying home and we were not moving, I would still go to visit my co-workers occasionally, and I am sure that I would hear stories about the kids with whom we work. But since we will be 2.5 hours away, that won't be happening. So there will not be any gradual adjustment. It will just be BAM here is your new life, without really having a transition.

Maybe that's what my anxiety is really about. Not WHAT the change actually is, but the fact that it will be sudden. I'm not usually a jump-in-the-water-all-the-way-to-get-used-to-it-faster kind of girl. Instead, I usually like to adjust slowly. But this time, there is only jumping in all at once...headfirst.

Let's Just Be Honest

{Background: For those of you who don't know me IRL, I work with teens. The goal of my job is for these teens to become responsible, reliable members of society...now on to the story.}

So the other day one of my kids came in to his appointment. 45 minutes late. He did call me 5 minutes before his appointment was scheduled and tell me that he was just leaving school and was walking to my office, so he would be late.

50 minutes later, he arrived. And he REALLY REEKED of cigarette smoke. I told him that he should not be smoking at all, and that it is particularly a bad idea to smoke just before an appointment with me. It is, after all, against the law, and if I caught him with cigarettes, I would be calling the police.

This is what he told me. "Well, my mom smokes, so I always smell like smoke." He is 17 years old. ANd he actually expected me to believe that this is why he smelled VERY strongly of cigarette smoke. When he has been at school since 8am. And it is now 4:15pm. And he just spent 45 minutes walking, outside, in lots of fresh air to get to my office. I stared at him in disbelief for a second.

DO you REALLY expect me to believe that your mom is why you smell so strongly of smoke right now?! I am betting that he was probably smoking right outside my building!

What I told him was that he doesn't have to admit to anything to me. That is, after all his right. However, it would be a whole lot better if he simply said nothing rather than flat out lying to me and expecting me to believe him. That he completely destroys any credibility with me when he lies to me. And that he should really be careful of destroying all credibility with me.

He just looked at me. Which I understand. After all, he really couldn't say anything else at that point without incriminating himself. But I also wonder if I got through to him even a little bit. I hope so.

That is, after all, why I have this job. But I'm not holding my breath. Because I have learned that holding my breath while waiting for a change can be dangerous to my well-being. I can offer reasons to change. I can offer ways to change. But ultimately, each kid has to make their own decision to change. And it often takes a very long time for them to come to that decision.

Samantha

So I took Samantha to the doctor on Monday. For her poison ivy that didn't seem to be getting much better. Turns out it wasn't poison ivy. She has hand, foot and mouth disease. And an ear infection. She hasn't run any fever at all. But the doctor did tell me to keep Samantha away from the baby. Hmmm...on Sunday, Samantha was holding him, hugging him, kissing him and she also stuck her hand so far into his mouth that he gagged. Does that count as staying away, I wonder?
**************

Samantha has started calling me different things other than Mommy. For quite a while, she has called me Mom once in a while. She's only 2. This is way to soon for her to call me Mom. I want to be Mommy for a very long time. And where did she pick up this mom stuff anyway? No one at our house or the babysitter's house says mom. Who knows. Then the other evening, she started calling me Mother. Seriously. And it just sounded so old coming from her. She is too young to call me anything but Mommy! But I didn't make a big deal out of it. Even though I wanted to. I just told her, "Yes, I am your mother."
*********************************

Do you remember Samantha and her mattress? This has continued to be an issue. On Monday night, she even scraped up her back when she did this. So last night, as I put her to bed, I told her that she must stay in bed, and that she must leave her mattress on the bed. She did not obey. I took the bed frame out of her room and put the mattress on the floor. She cried "Don't want little bed! Don't want mattress! Want big bed!" I told her I am sorry, but that she disobeyed, so she could not have her bed tonight. She could try again another night. She was VERY unhappy and kept on crying for quite a while. Hopefully she will have learned her lesson and will leave her mattress on the bed when she gets the bed back in the next night or so. But remember, I have a VERY strong-willed child. We'll see what happens.
**********

This is her "I'm DONE with pictures now!" pose.

Mom

Brent's mom came yesterday to help with painting and cooking and she also worked on our laundry. Have I mentioned that she is fantastic?! She got here around lunch time. She did some laundry. She took a box of stuff to CCA. She did some priming and painting. She cooked dinner. She held and entertained Jacob while I gave Samantha a bath...because I don't really want to bathe them together right now when I am supposed to be keeping them apart from one another and Samantha still has new bumps coming up on her arms and legs. (More on that later.)

Then at about 1am, Mom came into my room and told me she needed to go home. She thinks she has a kidney stone again. And she was apologizing for leaving and not accomplishing more. (She had already accomplished more than I had in the entire previous week!!!) I SOOO wished that I could think of some way to help her...I wished that I could drive her to her house so that she wouldn't have to drive herself while she was in so much pain. But that wasn't possible with the kids in bed and work the next morning. I couldn't come up with any thing that I could do for her. So I asked her to call me when she got home so that I would know she is safe. She did arrive safely. I hope she is feeling MUCH better today.

Artist {Wordless Wednesday}

Not Me and Not My Child

Hmm....what should I start with today? Me...or Samantha. I guess I'll start with me, then I can leave you with a smile courtesy of my 2 year old.

This weekend, I would not be grouchy and snippy with my husband just because I am tired and I was frustrated with the whole moving and living apart thing. (Sorry, honey, I love you!) After all, I know that we only have 2 days together each week. There is no way I would do anything that might make those 2 days any less than they could be.

Also, I would not leave Samantha's dinner plate sitting on the table last night...with food on it...ALL NIGHT LONG. No way! I clean up the dishes immediately after they are used!

And there is no way that I would walk into the kitchen this morning to see Samantha sitting at the table. In the same chair she sat in last night. Right in front of the dinner plate that was not still on the table. And she definitely did not turn around when she heard me and tell me "Me eating mine samich again," while holding up the last bite of her PB&J sandwich. From LAST NIGHT! Hopefully PB&J doesn't get spoiled from sitting out all night.

And finally, Samantha would never ever in a million years, while helping me weed the flower beds, say "I helping in garden. 'Mantha helping A LOT!" as she threw mud up in the air which then landed on both of our heads. Oh what a helper I have!

Check out what everyone else has not been up to at MckMama's blog.

Baby Blessing

Jacob's Baby Blessing was this morning. Our church does this twice per year, to surround all the new babies and their families with prayer, love and support. My friend took some pictures during the service for me. See the top right corner of the first picture? Somehow she managed to take a picture just as Jacob's name came up on the screen :)

This year, each family/child received a gift. There were flowers. And the flowers all had meaning. Eddie, the new children's minister, explained that the white flower represents the father, leading the family in purity. The red flower represents the mother and the bond between her and her child. The yellow flower represents the child. The baby's breath represents the church family, surrounding and supporting the family, and the red ribbon represents Jesus' blood which brings and holds everything else together.

We also received a baby dedication frame with our child's picture, a cloth bible, an embroidered burp cloth with a cross and "For this child I have prayed" from 1 Samuel, and a letter in a sealed envelope...that is not to be opened until Jacob's 12th birthday.

What an amazing church family we have. I am so grateful for them. For all the love and support we have been given through trying to have our children, through pregnancy, through the birth of each of them, and through beginning to raise them to love the Lord.

And of course, what would a post about the Baby blessing be without a picture of the baby? So here he is.

And one with his sister, too. Don't you just love their coordinating sailor suits? :)

Strong-willed

Yes, I definitely have one of those children. One of the ones who test your patience to the very end. One who can be so contrary that sometimes you just have to (secretly) smile at their inventiveness in being contrary.

I had planned to share pictures of Jacob's baby blessing with you today. But then this happened.

You see, Samantha didn't take a nap this afternoon. So I decided that she would go to be earlier than normal. She was in bed and said night night to me at about 10 minutes until 7. She was happy telling me night night. I should have known it was too good to be true.

I had to go back into her room several times to put her back in bed or to take away the toys she was playing with. There were many tears shed on her part. And then the tears stopped. I decided to peak into her room on my way to feed the dog, expecting to see her asleep in her bed. And that first picture was what I found. Well, sort of.

I poked my head into the room, saw the mattress off the bed frame and said her name. She jumped! And then said, "I in this bed," with a smile on her face. She was proud of herself. And of course I had to go get my camera to record it. Probably a big parenting mistake...but oh well.

I fixed the bed. And she refused to get back in it. She got in trouble. A few minutes later the mattress was off the frame again. She got in trouble again. She refused to get back in bed. I told her that she could get in bed or I would put her in bed. She said "no five!" I told her that if she doesn't want me to count to five, she must get in bed. She wouldn't go. So I counted to five and when she still wouldn't move, I picked her up and put her in her bed. She was crying very hard about this. I tucked her in, gave her a kiss, told her to stay in her bed and walked out of the room.

I heard her get out of her bed, and when her crying became more muffled, I knew she was under her bed. I decided to wait a few minutes to see what happened. Her crying very quickly turned into her "I'm going to sleep momentarily" cry, and then there was silence. I waited about 10 minutes and went into her room to look and see if I thought she would be safe sleeping under the bed for the night. This is what I found.

I decided that she is perfectly OK to stay right there tonight.

And I will share baby blessing pictures with you tomorrow.

Getting Bigger

Look what Jacob did for the first time last night!

Yes, he actually did sit tripod style for several minutes! Then he got tired, leaned all the way forward, essentially folding his body in half, and started screaming until I picked him up. But hey, my baby can sit up...sort of :)

He also got his first try of rice cereal.

He wasn't a huge fan. He took about 5 or 6 bites and then refused any more...but he didn't scream, or even really fuss, about trying it.

He is definitely getting bigger!

Can I get a do-over?

On the whole week, I mean. Because, I've got to tell you...it has been tough. On second thought...skip the do-over, we are on the last day before Brent gets home and we have MADE IT through the first week and maybe next week will be easier. At least I hope it will be easier. It will be easier...won't it? And I don't want another first week...we have finally figured some stuff out.

Here's some of what has happened this week:

Sunday night...things go pretty smoothly, kids and I are both bathed and Samantha is actually in bed by 7:30, I think she might have actually been asleep at 8, too, but I don't really remember...I have been too sleep deprived since then and there was nothing traumatic that made me remember that night.

Monday night...first night of trying to get everything done after work. I don't get things together very well. We eat PB&J for the 2nd night in a row. Jacob screams while I am making Samantha's dinner b/c he wants to eat, too. Neither kid gets a bath. It is around 9:30 before Samantha is actually in bed asleep.

Tuesday night...I am a bit more with it. I put Jacob in the sling before I start making Samantha's dinner, so he is able to nurse while I warm up her spagetti and my chicken. Samantha eats all of her spagetti, some yogurt, some oranges...she eats very well. Yeah! We use the vidoe camera to "make a movie" for Daddy. Both kids get bathed and we start stories at 7pm. Samantha brushes her teeth AND goes potty. WOW! Things are going great...maybe this won't be such a hard thing after all. I did notice that she had 3 or 4 mosquito bites and wonder if I should put benadryl gel on them. I decide to wait until the next day to see what they look like.

We say prayers and try to call Daddy. He doesn't answer...at any of the four numbers I called. I leave messages.

At 7:40, I tell Samantha she needs to go to bed. She doesn't want to...she hasn't talked to Daddy yet. She throws a fit in her bed. She almost throws up...twice. I ask her if she is done. She nods. Then starts screaming and suddenly a volcano erupts from her mouth. Three times in a row. So much for having eaten a good dinner.

I take her to the bathroom where everything falls onto the floor. How I managed to avoid getting anything on the carpet, I will never know...but I am grateful.

I leave her in the bathroom while I strip her bed. Then I take her to my bathroom to give her a shower. Thankfully she is one of the few 2 year olds on the planet who enjoy taking a shower.

We get clean pajamas on her and I make her bed up with clean sheets. She starts to throw a fit again as I am putting her back in her bed. But Brent calls just in time, and she talks to him and then lays down with no fussing. Of course that doesn't mean she stays in bed.

I feed Jacob who is now screaming that he is hungry. He falls asleep after he eats and I put him in his bed.

Samantha is out of her bed again and tells me "Me have bad dream." I tell her that she didn't have a bad dream because she hasn't been asleep yet. I put her back in bed.

I take everything that has puke on it to the kitchen so that I can rinse everthing in the sink with the garbage disposal. I start the laundry.

I hear Samantha again and go to put her back in her bed. She tells me that she needs Jacob. I tell her that Jacob is already asleep in his bed and she needs to go to sleep, too. She finally stays in her bed and falls asleep. It is 9:40pm.

I take a shower to get the puke off of me and out of my hair now.

I still need to mop the floors in the bathroom and the kitchen. I don't want to be smelling them the next day. I have no idea where the mop is...it was moved over the weekend. I decide I don't care and settle for picking things up with a paper towel and then using Lysol wipes to clean the floor. I finally get into bed myself at 10:20pm. My alarm will be going off at 5:30...if Jacob doesn't wake me up earlier, that is. And he does...at 4. At least I got to stay asleep that long.

Wednesday... At the babysitter's house I notice that the spots on Samantha's legs, the ones that I saw last night and thought were mosquito bites, are actually a poison ivy, or poison oak, or poison something type of reaction. I have no idea where she got into it. Neither does the babysitter. I wonder if I should call the doctor. Because both Brent's mom and I have terrible reactions to poison ivy and require prescription stuff to get over it.

I am exhausted at work and just want to take a nap. But...I'm at work. After work I go to get the kids. Samantha cries and tells me "Don't want to home." she refuses to get in the car, so I put her in. She continues to cry and repeat "Don't want to home." All the way to our house. She does get out of the car and go to the house without any fussing. It is an improvement, a least.

She says that she wants spaghetti for dinner, so I heat up the last of it. She refuses to touch it. Her dinner consists of two...yes, count them, two...apple slices with some peanut butter, before she tells me she is done. She won't even touch the "chips" (dried veggies, that she LOVES). And she hardly drinks anything either.

Her nose starts running like crazy and I remember that I have not given her any allergy medicine for the last three nights. Brent usually takes care of that and I have forgotten. I figure that she is having allergy problems because I started having a sinus headache earlier in the day. So I give her the allergy medicine and put some Vicks Vapo rub on her chest before bed. I also put hydrocotisone on her poison ivy spots.

Neither kid gets a bath.

Samantha stalls A LOT in going to bed. She tells me that she has to go potty at least two different times. The first time, I take her. The 2nd time I tell her that she already went and now she needs to go back to bed. She crawls under her bed...and gets stuck. She sticks her feet between the mattress and the bedframe...and gets stuck. She wedges herself between the bed and the wall...and gets stuck.

I try VERY hard to stay calm. It is hard to do so. Each time I put her back in her bed, I tell her that I love her and sleep well. She replies "NO! Don't want to love you!" I tell her that I am sorry she doesn't want me to say I love her, but I love her anyway.

She finally falls asleep around 8:30 or 8:45.

I get to bed at about 9:15. Jacob wakes up to eat at 11pm. And 1am. And 4 am. What on earth happened to my baby who has been sleeping for most of the night?!

As usual, the alarm goes off at 5:30.

Thursday...Samantha wakes up on her own about 15 minutes before we need to leave the house, so I am able to get her dressed and put the hydrocortisone on her leg again, before we leave the house. I even manage to have time to put all of Jacob's lotion on him and get him dressed. How did we manage that? Don't worry, I'm not complaining...I just want to know so that we can do it again.

Samantha doesn't want to go to Mrs Nancy's house. But once we get there she is happy to see Mrs Nancy. She is even nice to Maddie...at least for a little while until they start competing about what is "MINE!" as they point their fingers at one another. She cheerfully tells me bye-bye and gives me kisses before I leave, then goes back to playing with her brother.

She doesn't want to leave Nancy's house when I go to pick her up. I tell her that there is somebody visiting at our house and ask her who she thinks it is. She yells "Daddy!" with a great big smile. I told her that it isn't Daddy and ask who else might come visit us. SHe doesn't answer but she does get in the car. All the way home she tells me "Don't want to see doggy." Then when the doggy she normally sees on the way home isn't visible in its yard, she gets upset. Don't ask me...I can't figure her out sometimes, either.

When we pull into our driveway, she sees the car and yells "MEMAW'S CAR!!" I tell her yes, it is Memaw's car and that Memaw has come to visit us. She runs up to the house and down the hallway to give Memaw a big hug.

Then she immediately asked to go outside. I let her and take the lid off the sandbox for her. She came in without too much trouble when I tell her to. Memaw went shopping for us and got some things that I was planning to put on my shopping list but hadn't actually written down yet. Such as strawberries and bananas. Samnatha was particularly excited about the strawberries and she ate 5 large ones with her dinner. She also ate some veggie chips and about 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. Not peanut butter on something...just peanut butter...straight off the spoon. At least she didn't use her fingers this time. And she did drink a lot of "juice" (about 25% apple juice and 75% water.)

I managed to get her in the bathtub but I didn't get Jacob in the bath because Samantha really needed the vapor bath. And he has to have just plain water baths because of his eczema. Her nose was stopped up and runny all at once. How on earth is that possible?! I don't know, but that's how it was. We got out of the tub and got her ready for bed, then talked to Daddy on the phone. Then we had milk and stories...although she hardly drank any milk at all. That is very unusual for her.

We had a little trouble with getting her into bed. She kept purposely getting herself stuck to avoid going to sleep. I watched her wedge herself between the bed and the wall. She worked hard to do it. And I had to work hard to get her out. I almost just moved the bed. She finally went to sleep at about 8:30pm.

Thank goodness Brent's mom was here. She held Jacob while I took care of Samantha. So I didn't have two crying kids at the same time. Thank you for being here, Mom!

Jacob fell asleep around 9, and I got into bed a few minutes after that. The he woke up again at 1am. He ate a little, and then fussed and stayed awake until 2am. I was about to start crying when he finally fell back asleep. He got up again at 4, but fell asleep again as soon as he was done eating. Pheeewww!

Friday...We'll see what happens today. Hopefully Brent will be able to make it home early enough to be here before Samantha has to go to sleep. We'll see what happens.

Jacob

I realized that other than his 5 month post, there have been very few pictures of Jacob lately. I decided that I need to remedy that, so here he is :)

He creeped (is that a word...I can't figure out what else to say, though) his way over to his Daddy and crawled up on top of Daddy's arm, all in his sleep...and continued sleeping that way.
And just in case you were wondering, I DO put him on his back to sleep, but when he rolls over to his tummy, I do not move him back to his back.

Then when Daddy moved his arm and rolled over, Jacob just snuggled right up next to him.

A close up of my sweet little man...and you can see the eczema was not doing so well that week. And isn't much better this week for that matter :(

And of course, chewing on the chicken and hanging out with the sister is always fun :)

Christy Needs

I know this is old, but I didn’t play along when I saw it before, and I was just thinking about it for some reason, so I decided that I will share with all of you. The deal is that you google your name followed with the word “needs” then write down your results. Some are funny, some are sad, and some hit very close to home. So here are my top results, with my own comments following each “need.”

1. Christy needs to blog. (Don’t you see that is what I am doing here?!)
2. Christy needs a new computer. (oh yes! A laptop would be nice, then I could blog in bed, or get on FB, or play a game while DH uses the desktop)
3. Christy needs another operation. (OH PLEASE NO! Unless of course, it is because I am pregnant again, because we all know that would be a C-section again, that’s the only operation I’m OK with.)
4. Christy needs help (Yep, absolutely true. And I am so glad for all the help we are getting from our family right now!)
5. Christy needs our prayers. (Always! Thank you for them!)
6. Christy needs a holiday. (ooohhh, that sounds nice!)
7. Christy needs some time in Florida to warm up. (Since I live in Texas, I don’t really need to warm up, but some time on a nice sunny beach would be lovely.)
8. Christy needs to come play in Hawaii. (I’m seeing a theme here…and I’m liking it!)
9. Christy needs someone who is a Christian and can encourage her to love God (I already have DH who fits this bill, but can always use more friends who also encourage me.)
10. Christy needs to read the Chronicles. (I don’t know what it is, but I love to read, so sounds good to me)
11. Christy needs all of her course readings in electronic format. (ummm…not so much. First of all, I’m not in school and secondly, I frequently print things just because I don’t like reading on the computer for too long.)
12. Christy needs another donut (Mmmm…sounds yummy…just let me get past this not having dairy or eggs first.)
13. Christy needs a stats lesson. (No, thank you. That was one of my LEAST favorite classes in college)
14. Christy needs and accounting tutor. (Once again, no, thank you. Numbers are not my favorite thing.)
15. Christy needs a Facebook fan page. (Awww…shucks…how sweet ;))
16. Christy needs a little more humility (hmm…seems in direct opposition to the previous one.)
17. Christy needs to get what is coming to her. (Hopefully it is because I did something nice?)
18. Christy needs to take a good hard look in the mirror. (Definitely true. I had always heard that the things that bug you most about other people are things that you also do, and I have noticed this is true…I even see it with my 2 year old. I really need to work on some things.)
19. Christy needs to take her opinions elsewhere. (Yes, I can be pretty opinionated. I do try to not hand them out ALL the time, though. Maybe I should look at working more on it.)
20. Christy needs and intervention. (I don’t think so, but if I did, I hope that someone would come through for me.)

And just for a few more grins and giggle, let's see what the rest of my family member's names come up with:
Brent needs:
1. a potty break
2. oiling (???????)
3. direction on Flickr
4. a share in Houston, TX (absolutely NOT!)
5. to be in the ProBowl
6. an F150 (umm..I don't think so...we just sold one in November...there wasn't room for the kids!)

Samantha needs:
1. to go to bed apparantly (yes, she does tend to have more fits when she is tired)
2. some hugs (YES! I love giving her hugs!)
3. some cheering up
4. your votes (well...I didn't know she was running...she seems a bit...young)
5. Facebook (once again...too young)
6. a good storyline

Jacob needs:
1. no introduction
2. a brother (or a sister...I keep trying to convine SOMEBODY about this!)
3. dating advice (once again...a little young)
4. a girl (not anytime soon!!!!)
5. a haircut (have you SEEN him? Seriously! :))
6. a hobby

5 months

Isn't our 5 month old little baby boy adorable? Can you believe he is 5 months old?!
He is such a content little guy baby. Pretty much the only time he cries is when he gets desperately hungry...or if I have to put him down in the middle of a feeding. Of course his being desperately hungry could be mere seconds after he was completely NOT interested in eating. He loves to be held, but he also wants to see what all is going on around him. He loves watching his sister and will smile and talk to her anytime she is around him.

He is definitely NOT little! I don't know his weight because, once again, he hasn't had any sick visits Whoop! and we still don't have a digital scale. BUT, I do know that he is wearing 9 month clothes, and there are quite a few of them that will just barely snap. I'm almost ready to start trying some of his 12 month clothes. And in fact, the PJs he is wearing in these pictures are 12 month! He has a very long body, but short legs, so shorts are very good for him. Winter time will probably find us rolling all of his pants in an effort to make them short enough.

Jacob is still teething, but hasn't actually cut a tooth yet. His bottom incisors are VERY close, though. He is working very hard at getting himself up on his hands and knees. So far he has made it on three but quite to all fours. And the belly doesn't come up too terribly high, but what can you expect...it is a pretty big belly...but he is definitely strong enough that he will get it without too much trouble. He does manage to scoot himself around on the floor quite a bit, especially when he is trying to get to a toy that he has knocked aside.

He grabs toys and invariably brings them to his mouth after observing them for a little while first. The other night he grabbed his pacifier, still attached to the ribbon thingie, and just held it up in the air, dangling from the ribbon, over his head and stared at it. I'm not sure if he was trying to get it into his mouth, or if he was just looking at it, but I wish I would have had the camera right there!

He loves to play with the toys attached to his car seat and will make the elephant play tunes over and over and over, but he likes the wiggly bird even more and will easily spend 30 minutes in the car pulling it down and letting it shake back up.

He has finally gotten used to his bath and even seems to enjoy them now. Pheeeww! Especially since I have to keep him in the tub for 15-20 minutes to try to help his eczema. Speaking of his eczema...it does seem to be better, although his face is almost always broken out with it. Hopefully the doctor is right and it really will go away by the time he is a year...but once again, I'm not holding my breath.

He takes mostly catnaps during the day...in fact, if he naps for a longer stretch than 30 minutes, it is fantastic!! He goes to bed between 7 and 9pm, usuallyright around 8, and sleeps until about 7am. He does wake up to eat during the night, generally one time (this has only been for about a week now) around 3 or 4 am. He starts out sleeping in his own bed, but when he wakes up to eat, I just bring him into bed with us so that we can both sleep while he eats :)


We are so grateful for another month with our sweet guy, and look forward to getting to know him and his personality even more as he grows and develops.

Going to the Zoo

We went to the zoo on Saturday.

That was what I told Brent that I wanted for Mother's Day.

I definitely had a case of camera envy. I REALLY miss having an SLR, manual focus and a good zoom lens...and I kept seeing all these people walking around with their digital SLRs...and man oh man I want one. Maybe when we get our tax refund next year...we'll see. Until then...I will probably be a little bit envious. ANYWAY...back to the zoo...

We thought Samantha would LOVE the zoo...after all she loves animals. She was so excited when we told her that we were going to the zoo and we talked about what animals she would see. She said elephants and cheetahs and tigers and lions and monkeys and cows. We told her that she would definitely see the first five, but we weren't sure about the cows. We did add that she would also see giraffes.

We saw the elephants. And she said "Too loud. Walk away!" The elephants were silent, though. Why would she say they were too loud?

We finally figured out that she was scared and she was either meaning they were too scary or too big...or possibly both.

We saw the crocodiles through the glass. And she said "Too loud. Walk away!" We saw tigers. She said "Too loud. Walk away!"

Are you seeing a pattern here? None of the animals made any sounds at all, but she kept telling us they were too loud and we needed to walk away.

She did like the penguins and thinks that they swim fast in the water.

She liked the fish. She liked the kangaroos (actually wallabys which are much smaller, but hey, they look like kangaroos, so we just called them kangaroos.)

She liked the turtles, ducks and birds. She liked feeding the birds a seed stick.

She liked the monkeys. She liked the baby giraffes which were far enough away that she couldn"t tell how big they were. She liked the "deer" which was what she called every deer or sheeplike creature. And she did see some cows, which she also liked.

Everything else, all the animals that you typically WANT to see at the zoo, were "too loud."

But when you ask her about the trip now, she doesn't say anything was too loud. And she does talk about the elephants. So maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. But we will be waiting a while before going to the zoo again.

Adjusting

I'm going to be completely honest here. I. Miss. My. Husband. Yes, I know he just left Sunday evening. Not even 48 hours ago. But I still miss him. I'm not even sure if it's OK to call him to ask about a couple of things. Because he is at a brand new job and I'm not sure how they would take him accepting a call from me right now. Well, right now I could, but he wouldn't be happy with me, it is, after all 6am. But I mean when he is at work. Hmmm...and that just made me realize that I don't even know the phone number for his new office. I better get that from him.

I almost didn't pick up the kids from the babysitter yesterday. Without thinking, I almost turned left to go home rather than right to go to the babysitter's house. Because it was Monday and Brent gets the kids on Monday.

I wish he was here to help with the kids. Like yesterday evening when I was feeding Jacob and Samantha told me she needed to go potty. I had to put Jacob down, and of course he promptly started screaming because he was NOT done eating. And he kept on screaming the whole time until Samantha was done and we both had our hands washed and I could pick him back up. And neither kid got a bath last night. And we had the 2nd day in a row of PB&J for dinner. (Although I did offer some leftover spagetti, but Samantha said she wanted "butter jelly samich" and I wasn't willing to make dinner a battle.)

And I realized that if I do have to go to the store, I better go at lunch because doing so in the evening will be all but impossible. Well, at least if I want the kids in bed anywhere close to on time. It was at least 8:30 before Samantha was asleep last night...I shoot for in bed by 7:30 and asleep by 8, usually. Hopefully I will manage to work bathtime in tonight.

I miss having a hug when I get home from work. And I miss having someone to talk to as I am going to bed. Good grief...I'm getting awfully sappy after less than 2 days!

Samantha is doing fairly well so far. Bedtime is a battle, but then, that's nothing new. She did talk about Daddy going away in the van when I picked her up yesterday evening, but she wasn't crying. She was just telling me. She talked to him on the phone and cheerfully said "Bye-bye. uv you" when she was done talking. And when we said our prayers, she added "Thank you Daddy" (she leaves out the word "for")

I am grateful that Samantha seems to be adjusting fairly well, at least so far. And as far as the rest goes, we will get used to things and it will get easier. Won't it?! And even if it doesn't...we just have a little less than 5 weeks to go.

Mother's Day Prayer

Yesterday, during our church service, our minister prayed a prayer for Mother's Day that really touched me. He included not only the mothers, grandmothers, etc, but also all the women who want to be mothers but are struggling with infertility. I have never heard anyone acknowledge this struggle in connection with Mother's Day before. And I teared up.

All the years that we were trying to have a baby and couldn't, Mother's Day was torture. It emphasized what I wanted but couldn't have. Often times, at the church service, they would hand out a flower to each mom who was there. And I never got one. I felt left out.

I wanted to celebrate my mom, and Brent's mom, and my sister, and his sister, who are all moms. But I was also jealous. And felt left out. Because I was the only women in either family who wasn't a mom. And I desperately wanted to be.

I thought I was past all that. After all, I am a mom now. I have two beautiful children. But when Gordon prayed that prayer, I almost cried.

Finally, someone acknowledged what I felt, and what many other women still feel. And I realized again that infertility isn't something that I "got over" even after two children. It changed how I feel, how I see things, even who I am. It makes me feel even more for women who can't have children, for those who hope to have children, and for those who have lost children.

Thank you for your sensitivity, Gordon. Thank you for including women who feel so left out all the time, and who feel even more left out on this day every year.

Not Me - Missing Daddy

So today is Brent's first day at his new job. That means that last night was our first with two kids and a Mommy, but no Daddy. So here is what certainly did not happen last night.

Samantha did not tell me, only 15 minutes after Brent left "Daddy gone. I miss my Daddy."

I did not go in and hold and snuggle and sing to Samantha when she was having a fit about having to stay in bed, because I thought the real problem was that she missed her Daddy.

I did not stay up 45 minutes later than I planned, simply because I didn't want to have the bed all to myself. And I certainly did not take more than 30 minutes to fall asleep after that just because the bed was too empty.

Daddy, Brent, we miss you and will be very glad when next weekend comes!

And one final, unrelated to Daddy's absence tidbit. I did not wake up at 3:30am listening to a 2 year old yell "Mommy! Need bafwoom! Need potty!" And said 2 year old did not then sit on the potty, let out one big toot and immediatley say "All done" There is no way that we were both awake and out of bed for that.

Head on over to Mckmama's blog to see what everyone else has not been up to lately.

Welcome Home

My sister's husband...yes, I know, that makes him my brother-in-law, but I have two brothers-in-law, but I only have one sister, so sister's husband is more descriptive...is coming home today. I would include a picture of him, but I don't have any other than at their wedding, and those are all with Kathy, not by himself.

Anyway, he is in the air force and has been stationed in Korea for the last year. He went to Korea just 3 months after he and my sister got married, so you could definitely say that she is a little excited to see her husband again.

Jason has been deployed several times, and now has served a remote assignment. Hopefully he will get to stay home for a long while this time.

Jason, we really appreciate your serving and protecting your friends, your family, your country...and WELCOME HOME!

Cool Giveaway

Literally. It is a cool giveaway. A water play table. Head on over to Thou Shalt Not Whine to check it out and enter for your own chance to win.

Nervous

It's getting closer and closer to Brent's last weekday with us. And I am getting very nervous.

I am very concerned about being at work all day, then coming home to try to play with, feed, bathe and put to bed two children, one of whom is a nursing infant. And all this needs to be done within 2 hours of my getting home from work. And supposedly, I will be getting some packing done also. Umm...yeah...I see that happening. Well, maybe during my lunch hour.

I am in awe of single mothers who do this all the time and who have no choice in the matter. We are at least making the choice for this. Granted it is the only smart choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. I am so incredibly nervous about it. I don't want to be a single mom, even for only 5 days a week. Even for a short time...5 weeks to be exact. And I don't want my daughter to cry (or throw temper tantrums) because she misses her Daddy. But I know that will be coming.

We started telling Samantha the other day that Daddy will be working a lot so we won't see him for several days at a time, but then he will be back at home when he isn't working. Last night, after Brent told her this again, apparantly she thought he was already gone. After she got in bed, she was crying and I went to check on her. She told me "Daddy gone" in a very sad little voice with her tiny whimpers. I told her that he isn't gone yet, that there are still a few more days before he will be gone, and he will be sure that he says bye-bye to her before he leaves. She was OK after that.

It makes me quite nervous for when he is actually gone though.

On the bright side, we were able to skype with my sister and mom last night, so hopefully Brent will be able to get it to work on his dad's computer so that we can skype with him each evening. Oooo...I just had a BRILLIANT thought. We will have Brent take some books with him so that he can read a book to Samantha as we skype. That would be great! Especially since he is the one who usually reads stories to her at night.

For the next couple of days, I will try not to think about how close Sunday afternoon actually is. And I will try to get as much packing as I can finished before then, too. But I still have butterflies in my stomach right now. I can't imagine what it will feel like on Sunday. Probably like a herd of elephants in my stomach then.

Kid Sayings

Samantha woke up while I was putting clothes away in her dresser the other morning. She sat up, looked at me and said "Any snow ow-tide?" I said "No honey, it isn't cold enough for any snow." "Too warm snow?" she said. "Yes honey, it is too warm for snow."

*******************

As I was getting my stuff ready to go to work, Samantha came over and said "Key (translation, carry) me Mommy." I told her that I can hold her for a moment, but that I need to leave for work. She said "Me go work, too." I told her that I wish I could take her to work, but that it isn't allowed. So then she said, "Me go work Daddy."

I looked at her, not sure what to say because Daddy's last day of work at his old job was Friday. He will be working at home this week to pack the house before he starts his new job next week, so there is no way Samantha can stay home with him. Memaw stepped in and helped out by saying that Mommy and Daddy have rules that they have to follow just like Samantha has rules to follow and that our rules say that Samantha cannot come to work with us. Samantha didn't argue or fuss after that at all. She just snuggled me for a moment and then went to go to the potty.

****************

Samantha was looking at a bible story book and saw a picture of David and Goliath. She pointed to Goliath and said "Big giant." Yes, baby, that is a big giant. Then she pointed to David and said "Little giant." Hmmm...

******

When I was leaving the babysitter's house to go to work, she said bye to me and I said bye to her. Then Maddie said bye to me. Samantha said "No! Mine Mommy!" Maddie said "Mine!" and they apparantly were arguing about whose Mommy I was...just because Maddie wanted to say bye to me...what on earth?! Yes, apparantly the rivalry is still alive and well. Sigh...

Concerns About Moving

Before we knew we were moving, Brent and I were very excited about the possibility. There were no feelings other than excitement and anticipation. We have ALWAYS said that we didn't want to raise our children in the metroplex. There is just too much here. Too much crime. Too much drug use. Too much fast-paced life. And especially, too much illusion of affluence.

I know that those things are present anywhere you go. I just don't think that there is such a saturation of it in other places. And I want to live somewhere that we can see what life is really like rather than mostly see the facade that is typical in North Texas.

We both grew up in towns of 80-100 thousand people, and thought that would be the perfect size town in which to raise a family. And we really did think that we would end up somewhere like Waco or Temple. Much closer to all of our family members. Much smaller in size. Having much more realistic expectations of life.

And we are moving somewhere much smaller. M-U-C-H smaller. And I am so glad. But as I stated the other day ...I am also nervous. But I can get over that. We are moving, we will meet people, and we will adapt to our new life.

What worries me most right now is the effect of all these changes on Samantha. In the long term, the benefit to her...and to Jacob...is huge. It is what we wanted for them...to be away from the big city. We will give up some possibilities of some activities by living in such a small town, but there are still many opportunities for them. And, honestly, the other opportunities can still be there. It would just take a great committment on our part to make those other things happen. Because I figure, that Waco would have an outlet for pretty much any activity the kids want to do...it's just a bit of a drive...but it could be done if necessary. I'm not worried about those things.

What I am worried about right now is completely uprooting Samantha from everything she knows other than her family. The only immediate benefit (granted it is a big one, though) I see for her is that I will be staying home with her. The other benefits will come in time.

But in the meantime, we are taking her away from her church and her Bible class...that she loves. We are taking her away from her babysitter...who she loves. We are taking her away from her friends...who she loves seeing every day. We are taking her away from the only house she has ever known as home, to live in a temporary apartment, and then we will change that on her as soon as we are able to buy a new home in our new town.

If I, as an adult, have trouble handling this much change, how will my sensitive, spirited, strong-willed two-year old handle it all?

And have I mentioned that Brent will be moving before the kids and I do? He will start his new job on May 10. And I will stay here at my current job until the beginning of June. The kids will stay with me and still go to Mrs Nancy's house every day. And they will have only me to play with them and take care of them each evening during the week. For five entire weeks. Daddy will be here each weekend, but will that be enough for our sweet little Daddy's girl?

I am seeing major temper tantrums coming. I hope I am wrong, but I doubt that I will be. And I won't be able to blame her at all. After all, her world is turning upside down. How is she supposed to understand that at all? And how do I help her to make sense of it? And how do I remain calm when I am ready to pull my hair out at the frustration of it all? How do I model what I want my children to see, when that isn't what I feel at all? No, that isn't how I feel right now...but I am sure those feelings will be coming, probably the day after Brent leaves. And how do I handle it all then?

Infertility

I don't like that word. I don't like that state. I don't like using it to describe me. But it does. Describe me that is.

That may seem strange for me to say since I do, in fact, have two children. Who were carried in my body until they entered this world. But I am still infertile. It took a doctor to get me pregnant both times. (funny sidenote: Brent and I both love to say "the doctor got me/her pregnant" then watch the person's face. Especially if it is someone who doesn't know that we did IVF. The shock value gives us priceless looks. Sometimes it even works momentarilty on people who DO know about the IVF, then they smile once they realize what we are talking about.)

Anyway, back to the infertility. Brent and I cannot agree, at least right now, on whether or not we should habe another baby. I say yes. Brent says no. But we have 5 tiny babies, frozen, waiting for us to come to an agreement about whether we will try again or whether we will give them to another couple to raise. If we didn't have them, it would be an easy answer. No, we would not deal with another treatment cycle. It is too much and the decisions are too hard. I would be sad that we would not have more children, but it would still not be a hard decision to make.

There will only be another baby if we both agree to it and plan for it. There will be no "Surprise! I'm pregnant" coming from me. There is no chance of birth control failing and giving us a surprise blessing - in fact, we decided long ago that we would not use any birth control.

After all, almost 6 years of actively trying didn't work. And now we know that the problem is. And it isn't something that will go away. So why subject me to the hormones and the lovely moods I tend to get into when I am on birth control? Answer...we shouldn't. And we don't.

My doctor is horrified by this reasoning, but we just tell him that if God decides that we need another baby and overcomes the barrier of my infertility, then birth control wouldn't stop Him either. We would KNOW without a doubt that baby was meant to be for us and we would have no reservations.

And Brent is 100% certain that it will not happen anayway. But I am still hoping. I still want one more baby. My family doesn't feel complete yet. And there are those 5 babies. Just sitting and waiting...

Infertility stinks.