Not Me - Missing Daddy

So today is Brent's first day at his new job. That means that last night was our first with two kids and a Mommy, but no Daddy. So here is what certainly did not happen last night.

Samantha did not tell me, only 15 minutes after Brent left "Daddy gone. I miss my Daddy."

I did not go in and hold and snuggle and sing to Samantha when she was having a fit about having to stay in bed, because I thought the real problem was that she missed her Daddy.

I did not stay up 45 minutes later than I planned, simply because I didn't want to have the bed all to myself. And I certainly did not take more than 30 minutes to fall asleep after that just because the bed was too empty.

Daddy, Brent, we miss you and will be very glad when next weekend comes!

And one final, unrelated to Daddy's absence tidbit. I did not wake up at 3:30am listening to a 2 year old yell "Mommy! Need bafwoom! Need potty!" And said 2 year old did not then sit on the potty, let out one big toot and immediatley say "All done" There is no way that we were both awake and out of bed for that.

Head on over to Mckmama's blog to see what everyone else has not been up to lately.

Welcome Home

My sister's husband...yes, I know, that makes him my brother-in-law, but I have two brothers-in-law, but I only have one sister, so sister's husband is more descriptive...is coming home today. I would include a picture of him, but I don't have any other than at their wedding, and those are all with Kathy, not by himself.

Anyway, he is in the air force and has been stationed in Korea for the last year. He went to Korea just 3 months after he and my sister got married, so you could definitely say that she is a little excited to see her husband again.

Jason has been deployed several times, and now has served a remote assignment. Hopefully he will get to stay home for a long while this time.

Jason, we really appreciate your serving and protecting your friends, your family, your country...and WELCOME HOME!

Cool Giveaway

Literally. It is a cool giveaway. A water play table. Head on over to Thou Shalt Not Whine to check it out and enter for your own chance to win.

Nervous

It's getting closer and closer to Brent's last weekday with us. And I am getting very nervous.

I am very concerned about being at work all day, then coming home to try to play with, feed, bathe and put to bed two children, one of whom is a nursing infant. And all this needs to be done within 2 hours of my getting home from work. And supposedly, I will be getting some packing done also. Umm...yeah...I see that happening. Well, maybe during my lunch hour.

I am in awe of single mothers who do this all the time and who have no choice in the matter. We are at least making the choice for this. Granted it is the only smart choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. I am so incredibly nervous about it. I don't want to be a single mom, even for only 5 days a week. Even for a short time...5 weeks to be exact. And I don't want my daughter to cry (or throw temper tantrums) because she misses her Daddy. But I know that will be coming.

We started telling Samantha the other day that Daddy will be working a lot so we won't see him for several days at a time, but then he will be back at home when he isn't working. Last night, after Brent told her this again, apparantly she thought he was already gone. After she got in bed, she was crying and I went to check on her. She told me "Daddy gone" in a very sad little voice with her tiny whimpers. I told her that he isn't gone yet, that there are still a few more days before he will be gone, and he will be sure that he says bye-bye to her before he leaves. She was OK after that.

It makes me quite nervous for when he is actually gone though.

On the bright side, we were able to skype with my sister and mom last night, so hopefully Brent will be able to get it to work on his dad's computer so that we can skype with him each evening. Oooo...I just had a BRILLIANT thought. We will have Brent take some books with him so that he can read a book to Samantha as we skype. That would be great! Especially since he is the one who usually reads stories to her at night.

For the next couple of days, I will try not to think about how close Sunday afternoon actually is. And I will try to get as much packing as I can finished before then, too. But I still have butterflies in my stomach right now. I can't imagine what it will feel like on Sunday. Probably like a herd of elephants in my stomach then.

Kid Sayings

Samantha woke up while I was putting clothes away in her dresser the other morning. She sat up, looked at me and said "Any snow ow-tide?" I said "No honey, it isn't cold enough for any snow." "Too warm snow?" she said. "Yes honey, it is too warm for snow."

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As I was getting my stuff ready to go to work, Samantha came over and said "Key (translation, carry) me Mommy." I told her that I can hold her for a moment, but that I need to leave for work. She said "Me go work, too." I told her that I wish I could take her to work, but that it isn't allowed. So then she said, "Me go work Daddy."

I looked at her, not sure what to say because Daddy's last day of work at his old job was Friday. He will be working at home this week to pack the house before he starts his new job next week, so there is no way Samantha can stay home with him. Memaw stepped in and helped out by saying that Mommy and Daddy have rules that they have to follow just like Samantha has rules to follow and that our rules say that Samantha cannot come to work with us. Samantha didn't argue or fuss after that at all. She just snuggled me for a moment and then went to go to the potty.

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Samantha was looking at a bible story book and saw a picture of David and Goliath. She pointed to Goliath and said "Big giant." Yes, baby, that is a big giant. Then she pointed to David and said "Little giant." Hmmm...

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When I was leaving the babysitter's house to go to work, she said bye to me and I said bye to her. Then Maddie said bye to me. Samantha said "No! Mine Mommy!" Maddie said "Mine!" and they apparantly were arguing about whose Mommy I was...just because Maddie wanted to say bye to me...what on earth?! Yes, apparantly the rivalry is still alive and well. Sigh...

Concerns About Moving

Before we knew we were moving, Brent and I were very excited about the possibility. There were no feelings other than excitement and anticipation. We have ALWAYS said that we didn't want to raise our children in the metroplex. There is just too much here. Too much crime. Too much drug use. Too much fast-paced life. And especially, too much illusion of affluence.

I know that those things are present anywhere you go. I just don't think that there is such a saturation of it in other places. And I want to live somewhere that we can see what life is really like rather than mostly see the facade that is typical in North Texas.

We both grew up in towns of 80-100 thousand people, and thought that would be the perfect size town in which to raise a family. And we really did think that we would end up somewhere like Waco or Temple. Much closer to all of our family members. Much smaller in size. Having much more realistic expectations of life.

And we are moving somewhere much smaller. M-U-C-H smaller. And I am so glad. But as I stated the other day ...I am also nervous. But I can get over that. We are moving, we will meet people, and we will adapt to our new life.

What worries me most right now is the effect of all these changes on Samantha. In the long term, the benefit to her...and to Jacob...is huge. It is what we wanted for them...to be away from the big city. We will give up some possibilities of some activities by living in such a small town, but there are still many opportunities for them. And, honestly, the other opportunities can still be there. It would just take a great committment on our part to make those other things happen. Because I figure, that Waco would have an outlet for pretty much any activity the kids want to do...it's just a bit of a drive...but it could be done if necessary. I'm not worried about those things.

What I am worried about right now is completely uprooting Samantha from everything she knows other than her family. The only immediate benefit (granted it is a big one, though) I see for her is that I will be staying home with her. The other benefits will come in time.

But in the meantime, we are taking her away from her church and her Bible class...that she loves. We are taking her away from her babysitter...who she loves. We are taking her away from her friends...who she loves seeing every day. We are taking her away from the only house she has ever known as home, to live in a temporary apartment, and then we will change that on her as soon as we are able to buy a new home in our new town.

If I, as an adult, have trouble handling this much change, how will my sensitive, spirited, strong-willed two-year old handle it all?

And have I mentioned that Brent will be moving before the kids and I do? He will start his new job on May 10. And I will stay here at my current job until the beginning of June. The kids will stay with me and still go to Mrs Nancy's house every day. And they will have only me to play with them and take care of them each evening during the week. For five entire weeks. Daddy will be here each weekend, but will that be enough for our sweet little Daddy's girl?

I am seeing major temper tantrums coming. I hope I am wrong, but I doubt that I will be. And I won't be able to blame her at all. After all, her world is turning upside down. How is she supposed to understand that at all? And how do I help her to make sense of it? And how do I remain calm when I am ready to pull my hair out at the frustration of it all? How do I model what I want my children to see, when that isn't what I feel at all? No, that isn't how I feel right now...but I am sure those feelings will be coming, probably the day after Brent leaves. And how do I handle it all then?

Infertility

I don't like that word. I don't like that state. I don't like using it to describe me. But it does. Describe me that is.

That may seem strange for me to say since I do, in fact, have two children. Who were carried in my body until they entered this world. But I am still infertile. It took a doctor to get me pregnant both times. (funny sidenote: Brent and I both love to say "the doctor got me/her pregnant" then watch the person's face. Especially if it is someone who doesn't know that we did IVF. The shock value gives us priceless looks. Sometimes it even works momentarilty on people who DO know about the IVF, then they smile once they realize what we are talking about.)

Anyway, back to the infertility. Brent and I cannot agree, at least right now, on whether or not we should habe another baby. I say yes. Brent says no. But we have 5 tiny babies, frozen, waiting for us to come to an agreement about whether we will try again or whether we will give them to another couple to raise. If we didn't have them, it would be an easy answer. No, we would not deal with another treatment cycle. It is too much and the decisions are too hard. I would be sad that we would not have more children, but it would still not be a hard decision to make.

There will only be another baby if we both agree to it and plan for it. There will be no "Surprise! I'm pregnant" coming from me. There is no chance of birth control failing and giving us a surprise blessing - in fact, we decided long ago that we would not use any birth control.

After all, almost 6 years of actively trying didn't work. And now we know that the problem is. And it isn't something that will go away. So why subject me to the hormones and the lovely moods I tend to get into when I am on birth control? Answer...we shouldn't. And we don't.

My doctor is horrified by this reasoning, but we just tell him that if God decides that we need another baby and overcomes the barrier of my infertility, then birth control wouldn't stop Him either. We would KNOW without a doubt that baby was meant to be for us and we would have no reservations.

And Brent is 100% certain that it will not happen anayway. But I am still hoping. I still want one more baby. My family doesn't feel complete yet. And there are those 5 babies. Just sitting and waiting...

Infertility stinks.