Heartache

Today was Jacob's baby shower. It was a wonderful time of celebrating our sweet boy with friends. But my heart also ached.

My friend Angie, one of the hostesses, couldn't be there because she lost her baby on Monday. Her second pregnancy was in 2007, and in July of that year, while I was pregnant with Samantha, she lost her Baby Girl because her umbilical cord got so severly twisted that the tiny baby had no oxygen and no nutrients. My sweet friend didn't want to have to tell me about that news because she didn't want me to worry that the same thing would happen to me. Then Angie had Tanner in the summer of 2008 and we rejoiced in him. This was her fourth pregnancy, a happy surprise. They just told us that they were having another baby a couple of weeks ago. But a blood clot developed in the umbilical cord and the baby died as a result. I found out on Tuesday morning and she went into labor that afternoon. She was 11.5 weeks. She had almost 2 months of dreaming of meeting this new baby later this year. And now she has to wait a lifetime to do so. My heart aches for her, for Michael and for their 2 sons.

Sheryl was one of the hostesses at Samantha's baby shower. She and Ann made a beautiful cake together. There were many times this fall when I missed Sheryl's presence, knowing that she would have been there if she were still alive. I am sure that she would have been a hostess for Jacob's baby shower as well. And she and Ann would have made another beautiful cake together. Ann did a wonderful job on her own...I loved the cake...but I still miss Sheryl. Sheryl died on August 11. Jacob was born on Dec 11. Each month when I celebrate another month with my son...I will also be marking another month without my friend. My heart aches for Mark, and for me missing my friend.

And I miss my other babies...especially the one who would have been Jacob's twin. I really thought that I was pregnant with both of them before the first sonogram. And I really had a hard time dealing with the news that there was only one baby. I wanted both of them. And my heart aches that I will not hold that other baby in my arms on this earth. Even as I rejoice in my sweet, healthy son.