3 months of Jacob

How can it be that our sweet boy is already 3 months old? Of course he is big enough that he looks more like a 6 months old! :) In fact he is wearing 6 month clothes and this morning I almost couldn't get his outfit snapped at the crotch. We may be moving up another size soon. His body is really long...but his legs, not so much. He outgrows the body part of his clothes but we still have to roll his pants a little. I'm not sure how much Jacob weighs now because we haven't had to go to the doctor for ANY sick visits. WOOHOO! My guess is that he is about 17 pounds, though. (Maybe I should invest in a digital scale so I can actually see how much he does weigh) My arms definitely get tired after carrying him for a while. Yet another reason that I LOVE MY SLING :) Jacob has adjusted to the sling as well and no longer fusses when I put him in it. His eyes are still blue and I am starting to wonder if they may stay blue after all.

He smiles for Mrs Nancy every morning when I give him to her, and he has adjusted to drinking a bottle a lot more. Most days he drinks 12-15 ounces at her house, but he definitely prefers nursing to drinking a bottle and evenings and weekends are bottle free times :) That makes me happy :)

He talks to us lots, especially in the morning and right when we are trying to go to bed. He hardly ever cries except when he is hungry or very tired and ready to go to sleep. I'm so grateful for another happy baby.

Jacob doesn't really have a schedule yet, and he still isn't a great sleeper. Most days he takes little catnaps throughout the day and he has a very hard time putting himself to sleep. Hence the crying when he is tired.

He is such a strong boy and holds his head and chest up for long periods of time and although I wouldn't say that he loves his tummy time, he definitely doesn't mind it. He has rolled over from tummy to back several times, but doesn't feel the need to do so very often.

I love watching Jacob interact with Samantha. He will just watch her and then start talking to her. She gets so excited about him talking to her and will tell us "He talking you!"

We are still waiting to hear his sweet laugh, but we get smiles all the time. Other than his eczema, he hasn't had any problems. We are so grateful for having an easy baby...ESPECIALLY after all the challenges we had with Samantha.

Once more we are grateful for another month with our sweet baby boy.

Good friends

I'm so grateful for the friends that Samantha has at her daycare. Kaylie is about 3 months older than Samntha and Maddie is about 5 months younger. They all have so much fun together. But Samntha is especially happy to see Kaylie on the days that Kaylie is there. They are so much alike!

Kaylie will be welcoming her baby brother in the next few weeks, so yesterday was her last day of daycare. We will be missing her in the mornings, but we are happy that she will be able to stay home with her mommy :)

Dancing is one of their favorite activities. What fun!


And sitting on the couch and watching outside come in a close second.

Dairy free

I'm not sure if you know about this or not, but Jacob has eczema. Very bad eczema. Over his entire body. At his 2 month check up, the pediatrician told me to try eliminating eggs and milk from my diet completely for a week to see if that made any difference.

I did as she suggested and didn't really see much difference after a week. I decided to try at least one more week. The eczema improved a little, but I think that was mostly due to our diligently covering him with lotion at least twice a day. Especially since the eczema on his face actually got worse during this time.

So on Friday I added milk back into my diet. And his reflux symptoms that had almost completely gone away came back. In fact, by Monday evening, he was kicking and flailing while nursing again. He hadn't been doing that since 3 or 4 days after taking milk out of my diet.

It was bad enough on Monday evening that Brent looked at me and said that I needed to take the milk back out of my diet...and I agreed.

So now I am dairy free again. Ugh. I REALLY like cheese. And chocolate. And bread. And did I mention that I REALLY like cheese? ;)

At this point, I don't know how long I will be able to keep this up. I mean seriously...do you know how many things have milk in them? Even margarine has milk! And I don't know if I will be able to add eggs back in or not. I know that looking at a year of this is overwhelming today. So I will take it a week at a time for now. Then I will probably get used to it and then it won't be so overwhelming.

I think I may need to see a nutrionist/dietician to make sure I am getting all the calcium I need for both me and Jacob. Anyone know someone?

And if you know of some great milk and egg free recipes...especially for dessert :), please let me know. Just make sure you DON'T tell me about the brownies and ice cream that you had last night. 'Cuz then I might be jealous...and you don't want to cause that do you?

Glimpses

of what we have been up to with all the sunshine Friday evening and Saturday morning.

We hear a request to "color ide-wok" daily. It was so nice to be able to say "yes!"
What concentration!






Choosing colors is serious business!

Checking out the art in progress with Daddy.

Of course, the sidewalk isn't the only thing that ends up colored :)

No trip outside is complete until the bike has been ridden.

Helping Mommy clean out the flower beds while singing "Clean up, clean up"

Watching the ladybug. And yes, that is dirt on her face. She also managed to stick quite a bit of it up her nose!

Even Jacob got to enjoy the warmth and sunshine.
I'm so glad we had such nice sunshiney weather on a day that we could enjoy it together and I am SOOOO looking forward to spring!

Sibling love

I know it looks like he was crying in this first picture, but he was actually just having a conversation with his sister.

No jealousy here...just pure, sweet love :)

Promise

Spring is coming! :)

Longing

I don't know why, but I have been full of longing lately. Longing for my babies who are in heaven. And especially for the one who would have been Jacob's twin.

When I first found out that I was pregnant with only one baby again, I had a very hard time dealing with it. Yes, I was happy for the one who was growing and healthy, but I also grieved for the one who already went to heaven. I wanted to hold that baby in my arms! I knew that it would be very hard (that is a vast understatement, I am sure!) to have twins, especially with a toddler to take care of as well. But it didn't matter what my head knew, my heart wanted both of my babies with me. It didn't matter that I know that baby is far better off being in heaven, wrapped in God's embrace from the start, never knowing any of the sorrow and pain that life on earth can bring. Experiencing only the joy of God's presence. I still wanted my baby. And I told God that. Over and over and over. I cried to Him. I yelled at Him. I prayed that the first sonogram was wrong. And eventually I came to acceptance. And I was profoundly grateful for my one baby growing strong and healthy. I thought that I was beyond all that grieving.

But it turns out that I'm not. Even now, in the midst of struggling to keep up with the needs of ONE baby and a toddler, knowing that I would be a completely exhausted basket case if there were two babies and a toddler, I still want my other baby. (This is where you ask if I am absolutely crazy, and I guess the answer is that yes, I am) I find myself longing to know that other life. And I don't want to wait until I get to heaven. I want to know that baby now. And I cry about it. And I ask God why. And I don't hear an answer. I will probably never know...at least not on this earth.

I wonder if deciding to go ahead with in vitro was a poor decision after all. I resisted the idea for a LONG time...until I found out that we could donate any embryos we had left to another couple. Once I found that out, my resistance began to crumble. My moral reason for resistance was gone. And the rest of my resistance wasn't very hard to whittle away, particularly after we discovered that my insurance would cover the process...at least partially. But I never thought about the fact that we would have babies who were conceived who would not survive long enough to be transferred or frozen. And I never thought about the fact that I would know exactly how many babies were transferred into my uterus, and that as a result I would know without a doubt how many babies have died. And I never thought about the fact that the knowledge would hurt. Did we forget to let God decide how to handle things, and this grief is a result? Did we not have enough faith to allow Him to do things His way? But then, God is the one who allowed men the knowledge of how to do in vitro. And there was plenty of grief before, when we thought we might never have a child. There are no easy answers.

If we hadn't done in vitro, even if those babies had been concieved, I would never have known, and I wouldn't be longing for any of them now. But since we did make that decision, I would not go back and undo it, because that decision brought Samantha and Jacob to us...and I would not trade life with them for anything. I would not even trade this sorrow and longing. I would rather have it with them than not have it without them.

I don't know why...but my attention has been drawn to several people in the last few days. These weren't stories I went searching for...I'm not sure why I happened across even one of them...much less several. They are women who have lost their babies. Some whose babies died while in utero at a very late stage of pregnancy. And some whose babies died within minutes or hours of their birth. And I have bawled as I read their stories, and as they shared their pain and anger...and their never-wavering faith in God.

I didn't experience what they did. I didn't have a grief so consuming that I couldn't get up in the morning. My grief didn't really interfere with my living my life at all. I didn't have to try to comfort my small child and help her understand why her new sibling wouldn't be able to come home. I had a baby to hold at the end of each of my pregnancies. One who would live and grow. Who would make me laugh and who would make me scream in frustration. One who would show me that I can love more than I ever realized was possible. One who would love me even when I don't deserve it.

But in spite of that...I find myself almost envious that they saw the face of their sweet child who is now in heaven. I don't want to go through what they did, but I do want a face to picture when I cry. I want people to give me the right to cry instead of telling me that I should just be grateful for what I do have. I want it to be "acceptable" for me to long for my child.

I also want the faith that I see them displaying. The faith that their first reaction is one of stating that God has not changed and that he is worthy of praise, NO MATTER WHAT. That He has a reason for allowing their tragedy, even if they will never know that reason. And that they can praise Him for that reason without ever knowing it. The kind of faith that my children can see in my life every day. The kind that they will learn by watching me in every ordinary moment. The faith that has these women drawing closer to Him every day, that has them leaning on Him when they cannot stand on their own anymore. I long for that close relationship with my savior, the one that I think I once had, but somehow misplaced.

I read this prayer several years ago and pray it often now. "God, since I can't hold my babies on my lap and teach them about You. Please hold them on Your lap and teach them about me."

And God, then please hold me and help me to know You more, and help me to show You more.