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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sleepless

I woke up when Samantha had a nightmare last night, and went to calm her down. As I held her she told me, as she sobbed, "I need another brother." I figured that this was due to the conversation we had yesterday when she told me that we need another baby brother for her, but I couldn't figure out what it had to do with her nightmare. I asked her why she needs another brother and she sobbed, "Because I'm sad because he died."

My breath caught. I thought of Amilia and Ezri. I wondered how Samantha knows enough about death to have a nightmare about her brother dying. I tried to reassure her that Jacob is fine, he is just sleeping in his bed, but she would not be convinced.

So I finally told her that I will go to his bed and check on him to see if he is breathing, to see if he is alive. And, I have to admit, that by this point I was a little nervous, so checking on him also set my mind at ease. And sure enough, he was there, warm and breathing in his bed, just as he should be.

I went back to Samantha and told her that Jacob is fine. He is alive and breathing. I tucked her blanket around her and she immediately fell back asleep, content now that she knew her brother is OK.

I, however, remained sleepless for a long time afterward. I prayed and begged God to not allow me to endure that for real. I thought of Amilia, George, Kim, Ann, Aidin and Emma, who had to, and still have to 5 years later, endure the nightmare of Ezri's death. They never get to have the nightmare end on this side of eternity. I prayed for them through my sleeplessness, and then finally fell asleep.

I woke up to my normal life...Samantha still sleeping in her bed, and Jacob crying as he woke up. I am thankful for this normalcy...and I beg God to allow it to remain. But I also ask, that if it is disrupted by disaster, tragedy or anything else, either now, or many years from now, that God holds me close and helps me to turn to him.

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