Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Letting Go

If you don't know, I am usually a pretty laid back person. Unless it is about something big, and then I really want to be in control. I want things to go according to plan, and I don't want that plan to be changed mid-stream. Letting go of that control is hard for me. It doesn't happen very often. And I am not in my comfort zone when it does.

Brent and I have a very important decision to make. We have been trying to make it for more than a year, and we just can't decide what to do. He has one idea. I have another. And no amount of talking about it has changed either of our minds. It is so hard, for both of us, to be on completely opposite pages about this.

A few months ago, after another failed attempt of each of us to change the others mind, and many tears on my part, I was praying for God to show us a way through this. For Him to help us make a good decision.

After several days of praying about this almost constantly, I finally heard an answer. It was NOT an answer that I liked. I continued to pray, and I continued to hear the same answer. I heard that I need to ask Brent to pray about it, and then to leave the decision between Brent and God. I questioned how this could be the right way to work out this situation.

Our preacher had, not very long before this, talked about how you can discern the voice of God in your life. One of the ways was that if it is truly God, it should be in line with His voice in scripture. As I asked if this was really God giving me an answer, it came to mind that scripture tells us that a wife should submit to the leadership of her husband. Yep, it lines up. I still didn't like it, but it seemed that this really was God giving me an answer.

So a couple of days later, I talked to Brent about it after the kids were asleep. I carefully explained ALL of my thoughts and feelings on the whole matter, and I sobbed as I told him about my answer from God, and that I am willing to completely give up my part in making the decision as long as he is willing to pray about it honestly. That he will be open to either outcome and that he will pray about what is best, not what is easiest. And I would not ask him about it or mention anything else about the decision. In essence, I gave up my chance at having things go my way that night as we talked.

It took Brent a while to give me an answer. He did not want to be open to any other outcome than the one he wants. Eventually he did agree to this arrangement, though. I still pray that Brent will change his mind, that the outcome will be what I want. But I also realize that it is very likely that it will not go my way. I also pray that if that is the case, that God will give me the strength to handle it gracefully, and that he will help me to not harbor any resentment.

I thought that it was all over for me after that. But I have found that it is not. Every day is a struggle for me. I want to try to influence Brent's decision. I want to talk about it. And every day, I have to again make the decision to leave this outcome at God's feet and to have nothing to do with it myself. And as it gets closer and closer to the end of the time that we agreed on, it is harder each day to make the decision to let it go again. I have a feeling that this is making me stronger, that my faith will be shaped as a result. But I still do not like letting go.