Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Moving to Acceptance

Yesterday was a bit of a tough day...full of mixed emotions.

I had the first sonogram of this pregnancy and found out that we are having one baby. This baby is right on with its growth and the heart rate was perfect. That is the happy part. The sad part was that there was another baby transferred with this one. And the other baby is in heaven now.

My head knows this is the best. My head knows all the answers. It is very unlikely that I would have been able to carry twins to term. It would have been VERY hard to take care of newborn twins while taking care of an older baby under 2 years. In fact, it will be hard taking care of only one newborn and also taking care of Samantha. And I know that God is taking much better care of that baby (and all the others) than I ever could. And my head says that I will get to meet all of those babies in heaven someday. What a wonderful reunion that will be! But my heart says that I really wanted both of my babies here with me. And my heart can't understand why that shouldn't happen.

So I'm in a bit of a tough spot right now. It's strange to be both happy and sad at the same time. It's strange to be rejoicing and greiving at the same time. It's strange to be devastated and relieved at the same time. But that's where I am.

I find myself wondering why this is so much harder than it was when I found out that Samantha was the only baby to make it in that pregnancy. Perhaps it is because, with Samantha, my hcg levels were at the bare minimum to indicate a healthy pregnancy, so although I hoped for twins, I never REALLY thought I had twins. But this time, my numbers were more than double what they were with Samantha, so I really thought there was a chance of twins. But, whatever the reason, it is harder this time.

So until my heart catches up with my head and I come to true acceptance, you may see me crying for no apparent reason. I may tear up suddenly while talking to you. And now you know that there us a reason (besides pregnant hormones!)...and I may not be ready to talk about it. I will be OK. It will just take some time. So until my heart catches up with my head...please be patient with me.